Everything is piling up. Every failure. Every imperfection. Every issue. Every conflict. Every inability. I'm so touchy - I was hungry today, extremely hungry and I compulsively grabbed a piece of FATTY CHEESE SMOKIE and just downed it and just started crying... I really hate myself tonight. I hate that I don't know, I hate that I can't focus, I hate that I'm not motivated, I hate that I don't have anyone to talk to. I haven't felt this suicidal in a long time.

Who would even notice if I was gone?

This is how it feels to want something so bad, but knowing you can never reach it. Knowing... no matter how hard you try, how hard you wish for it, you will never ever ever reach it. To not understand. To not... be who everyone expect you to be - and to lie to maintain that.

I feel like a bomb, and my fuse is running short. I'm ashamed that I lie, that I am a hypocrite. I'm ashamed at my habits. But I can't stop. I can't force myself either way.

I'm torn. Constantly. Tests get back, they're never good enough. I get a compliment, it's always a lie. Someone corrects me, I'm the largest idoit. I eat, I am guilty. NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH. Nothing makes me happy.

I'll tell you what I want to do right now.

I want to cut.

I want to see blood. and feel release. No one would ever know.

Again

Its coming close. 17 days. I've gone so far off, it's not even funny. I really... I want it still. Everyday. I hate myself for failing at the goal, one after another I am failing.

But I'm optimistic. Something is clicking and I need to figure this out.

Bloated

It's really bad.
I lost 10 ilbs in a week.
50hours of famine.
Gaining it back.
Don't want it.
I can't focus on anything right now.
Ate so freaking much, uncomfortable.
I really want to throw up.

Had a good day today.... And that's all.

New Goals

So don't care anymore.

By my 17th. Six weeks exactly from now, I will lose 10 pounds.

Current weight: 145
Goal: 135

Do-able. Healthy. We're good.

Long time

A month has gone by. I never came back because of the promise I made to get better. I didn't keep it; so I feel like even more of a failure. A failure to myself.

I'm... I actually was very very depressed. I had a breakdown 4 weeks ago. Very very bad. I just lost it. It was a combination of stuff -I don't even want to recount it. Then, something happened - I just turned. I was, well not happy, but not depressed. I found myself waking up smiling. Being energetic. Creative. Laughing with friends. Eating better. The last two weeks have been... blissful.

Save for eating. Healthy is one thing, binging... control... is another. I still can't control how much I eat. I still hate my body. I don't hate myself, my personality, but I still hate that I can't be that person. I've returned to my normal weight... and it's sad in several ways to think that a month or so ago I weighed 10 pounds less - of fat. That's another thing, I remember even when I was 130 I could grab fat. Fat that is now gone because I've been working out. I feel the back of my legs and underneath the fat I feel muscle, instead of more fat... it's probably the only thing that is keeping me up.

I look at myself rarely now. I weigh myself rarely. But when I do, I get so momentarily depressed. I hate how I look, I hate my body. I hate that I can't wear clothes without a roll of fat showing. I hate that all the other girls can eat whatever they want and be thin and happy.

I went to a party Friday. Had fun. I was happy - excited - a sliver of who I wish I was all the time. These two girls - both gorgeous, it-girls of their cliques with boyfriends, told me I was gorgeous. Sincerely. Talked about how I should model. I didn't know them. That... two things happened in my head 1) Don't lie to me, are you delusional? ....2) thank you, you have no idea what it means to me.

How do I respond to a compliment when I don't believe it? When, to my core, my only personal vice and problem, is that to which you are complimenting?

I have such a problem with lying to people like this - hysterical, because I lie to people all the time. I just wish I didn't have to smile and thank them. That I could just nod and say You don't need to say that.

It's been almost exactly a month since I stopped being an idiot and starving myself.Probably another thing... it's cyclic. I want to tell him so bad. I want to tell someone that I see every day - that doesn't judge - that could sense a bad day and make sure I don't fall off... because I feel like I'm going to lapse again. I hear the voice... for the first time in a month I heard the -you're hungry, but you don't need to eat-. It scared me. I do and don't want that again. It was hell. But I felt liberated, I think. I hated it. But I hate this too. There is just as much hate, just as much pain.

I find myself looking forward to the 30hr famine... not because it's a great charity - a great cause, but because I will have an excuse to fast for two days. I could "get on track" again.

Shit no, why don't I have the strength to find balance? I AM strong. I am smart. Why can't I be... I don't even know. I don't know what I want.

Something clicks.

Skiing today was... brilliant. I've realized how much I have changed in a year, the quiet and speed allowed me to reflect. A true cleanser. I thought:

This last week, I tried to let go and basically just be normal. Eat semi-normally; very healthy. I ended up losing control... a lot. Nearly 3 times a day I would go for an apple, and stay in the kitchen for a longtime just eating whatever I could nuke/ eat easily. At first, I thought it was just my body moving on it's own, but now I've realized it's more of my mind; the logical side lost control too.

I need to regain control of my eating/exercising. I need to find a balance. So, I have decided - in a logic, non-weight loss centered mindset - to do a 3 day water fast starting not tomorrow, but Tuesday-Thursday. I need to again experience, reteach my mind control, then ease into controlled eating. Not restricting, but eating when I'm hungry. And eating healthy. I am easing myself into the fast tomorrow by eating a hearty breakfast, but then tapering off - a small spinach pita and apple for lunch, a little soup early evening.

I just need to control it again. Commit and then focus on other things; school, a job, friends, meetings, other commitments. I have to stop thinking about food. I have to.

NO I am not happy with how I look.
NO I haven't changed my view; I am still worthless.
BUT I'm more worthless out of control.

This week, I've felt no happiness from the food and I can't remember what this joy of emptyness was.

SO; no more talking about food/fasts/weight here. No more. Time to talk about more important things in life. Starting tomorrow, going all week. Time to turn this around, girl.

And then I got to the bottom of the hill.

Binge

This week I have been having a good attitude; health. I have been eating... but badly. Not unhealthily (until tonight) but in binge sessions. The moment I start eating, I can't stop. I literally have to leave the house to stop eating.

Tonight, brother had a party and there was shit everywhere. I resisted until midgnight and am now late-night binging on dips, chips, chocolate, Oreos, nuts, chicken... and apples and pears. Oh dear. This is bad.

I am so messed. I do have an eating disorder... I have addmited. I starved, went bad for 3 months, let those thoughts prevail and now I am fighting it... trying to eat a little and binging horribly. My parents are noticing. I'm protective about food. I constantly think about it. Constantly.

This is hell. I need help.

Know what is it, the factor? My period. I am having it again after only 2 weeks...

I need to get better.

But I still don't want the weight.

I'm going to the gym tomorrow. For as long as I have to. Skiing on Sunday. I have to... get better. But, why can't I be better at my weight now? Its only 5 pounds less! ONLY 5 POUNDS and my body freaks out.

FUCK.

I did take out my braids tonight... and I look effing sexy with my hair all kinky. I think that's part of the binge too (I'm still eating... chocolate). I felt great and sexy all day. People told me I was hot. I came home and entertained my brothers horny little friends. Took my braids out and into the hairstyle I know is fucking sexy.

Damnit. Balance? NO.

I want to fast tomorrow, but I'm not sure... we'll see.

Success?

It is 7pm, which is my intake cutoff.

It was my first fast today... well, I sort-of cheated, I had a carrot and 1/3 of an apple. But, I also exercised, so those calories are gone anyways. I feel great.

I know I have to eat something tomorrow.

I was thinking today, "This is so dumb, I need to start eating like a normal person." And I was amazed by the lack of angry, ana response. My heart didn't race. My mind didn't start yelling. I do need to start eating like a normal person.

That's how I feel right now.

Tomorrow, I want to eat like a semi-normal person. I need to stop this, because I can lose fat without not eating. I need muscle and definition.

When you re-read this tomorrow, babe, or when you feel bad... Just stop and think. Muscle vs bone. Exercise and eat right, but still eat. Food is something you need. Healthy is what matters. When you're dead, you're not worth anything either. Strength.

Crushed under the wheel...

A classmate died of cancer today. I just... does it make me want to live? What does it make me think of?

Pain.

I feel numb, unable to process it. She dies... she doesn't need to die, she didn't... people with cancer don't choose it. Her I am being a selfish bitch, trying to starve myself into... into being something that I don't even know how to describe. I don't know why I'm doing this, I really don't. It's slow-painful suicide, and I know that. I know it. I could... I am choosing death. I am. And she... she didn't want death. She just wanted to live as long as could.

I'm fucking worthless, such a fucking bitch. I don't know what I'm going to do.

_____

I'm done with the depression. I just have to admit that this is what I am doing. And if I'm doing it, hell, I'd better be happy about it.
I'm even trying to convince myself. And its not working at all.
Avoided a sugar-laden, fat-party with icecream/cake tonight... half because I didn't want to go and half to avoid the calories. Its sad, but at the same time not. I have been debating all day on whether or not to keep fasting (save for a few strawberries/ tbsps of rice). It's Valentines Day.
One part of me is going, "You might as well eat a little something, restrict again tomorrow when you're out, and full-blown fast on Monday."
Another part is saying, "EAT YOU DUMB SHIT."
Another part is saying, "Aren't you fat enough already? You don't need to eat. Drink tea, do your homework, watch a movie. Hell, go for a walk. Your hour at the gym wasn't good enough. What a failure."

Right now, I'm listening to voice 3. I want #1. And... I wish... I wish I could be #2.

I'm... losing control? Is it control not to eat, or control of it to eat? I can't get it right either way. I'm such an idiot. I'm fucking WORTHLESS.

Oh, yeah. After all this. ALL THIS SINCE I FUCKING STARTED... 2ilbs lost. Nothing. NOTHING.

I HATE that this is making me cry. What does it mean?! I want to waste away. So that I don't have to feel this.

At the mall on Thursday I fit into an XXS sized dress. I was happy, and it gave me confidence. Now....I feel like a whale. Everyday it gets worse.

They're ordering pizza. PIZZA for dinner. Better than what they had last night. I'm scared they're noticing. I don't want them to stop. I don't want to stop. I wish I could though.

This makes no sense anymore. I just want to sleep it away. Go back to my dream land.

Wordless

I'm in a numb, gray, lukewarm state. I don't... know.
I want it off. I don't know why. I just... need it off.
But I love food. And I hate the depression, and how much it...takes me.
I don't know what to say.

Bad Day?

I had a I-don't-really-care day. Ate a lot, but at the same time, abstained from brownies / cupcakes that were offered, so small victory? Ate some deserts though. So, I'm not happy about that. But I had a good day. Apparently, not eating makes me depressed. Wonder why D=

I have a dark chocolate in my bag and I am going to eat it.

Tomorrow, I'm limiting again to fruit/veggies and some wheat. Yogurt too. It's okay.

Rollercoaster...

I did good today again... until a while ago. I "binged" on grapes. yeah, no worries. It's grapes. They're fruit. They're not going to make you fat. Then, I had a cookie. THen, half a croissant. Now I feel like shit and I want so badly to make it go away.

Then I got in a fight with my whole fucking family. They hate me. I hate me. I'm not worth fucking anything, and I want all this fucking pain just to stop. I don't want to have to care about what I'm putting in my mouth, how many calories I burn a day. I don't want to have to worry about inches. But I do. Because... if I don't what do I have?

I'm crying right now.
And I want it to go away, so bad.
and I'm not sure if I'm talking about the food, or the pain...

I was doing so well.

Lies = Happiness?

I had a diet day today, at the moment I am in approx 1500cals deficient from intake... which was VERY healthy! I did about 1097 cals worth of measurable exercise... which is good for anyone.

The big thing of the day is that I got on the real scale at the YMCA..133ilbs. Which means my scale is 3 pounds off. Initially, I went into absolute shock. Then, I calmed down and I just realized I will accept that because weight don't matter right now, inches and firmness do.

One would think this realization, that I am actually 3 pounds heavier... 3 pounds further from my goal, but for some reason I felt lighter after my minor-break-down. I've accepted it, and I just want to LOOK GOOD. Besides, working out for me will create muscle very quickly and muscle weighs twice as much as fat, right? I just want the fat gone. =D

I'm repeating tomorrow, so maybe I can loose about 1 pound. That would make me happy and I would reward myself. With 1/4 cup of strawberry low fat ice cream!! Yayyyy!

And with this... for some reason I am happy. I woke up depressed. But I am now amazing.

Not good enough

Lost the 2 pounds again... in 5 days.
I thought I'd be happy.
I feel worse.
Lies and stupidity.
Can't justify it.

Friday is for fast. Which is what I want, but I failed kindof (at 600 right now, but I want most of it gone). Of course, the day isn't done yet.

I want food, I crave it. But the moment I finish eating it - I feel awful.

I just wish someone would tell me that I mean something to them. And mean it. Really truely mean it. Because, it's true, I have no justification for what I'm doing - trying to obtain value for myself (what is value?! why does it have to be a relationship?!) but I have no justification for my current value either.

This is absolute hell.

Depressed

I don't know what it was this time.
After chiro I came home.
Ate.
A little too much, but nothing I wasn't OK with.
Did my totals.
Went online.
Started to homework...
And felt like... nothing I do matters.

Honestly, right now, I feel like I'm an idiot. I don't GET anything. I'm slow. I can't understand because I'm too dumb. I feel like purging. Starting over. I feel like carving - I have another pin with me right now.

I wish I could tell her why I am so devoted to her recovery, why I've been showering her with gifts and complimenting her. But I can't. Because I've lied to everyone else.

I'm such an idiot.
So, I'm going to bed.
Without exercise.
Without... caring.

I wish someone got it.
What a bad night.

Day 2: Back

So, semester two is in and I and I am in a strong love/hate relationship with it.

SocialAP is a HELL of a lot of work, but I love it so far. There are only 10 people in the class, which I find hilarious. It makes it quiet. They're still bugging me about being a robot - and I gave them a week to have fun, afterwards I'm going to get genuinely pissed off. It is hurtful because it makes me feel worthless, unhuman, separate.

Multimedia 30 is multimedia. I'll whine and bitch about it. Scriptwriting is first, and I'm hitting writers block and very seriously considering writing about hitting writers block. Original? Yes. /sarcasm.

Math is going alright, and there are a few questions I don't get and I need to take them up now before I get lost. I survived with an awful teacher Math10 with an 80 so I should be alright, but ehhh - it's too early to tell. Also, a lot of work.

Chem is all review right now. The teacher is amazing, but there are a lot of people who dislike me in the class which is unnerving. Also, a lot of work.

Thankfully, all this leaves me little extra time. I'm doing good with intake and exercise, but I have modified my max daily to 1100cals because of having to be up and focused for 17hours a day. I am working exercising with high-intensity yoga, pushups & squats & crunches, and mini-weights into walking to build tone. I'm keeping a moderately detailed log (just cals, not anything else), but am watching fat and carb intake too.

I braided my hair and he's been singing Bob Marley. It's so cute. I missed him so much. I miss all my theatre friends... I'm not going to see them much anymore. I'll go to all the parties anyways though. Hahaha

I'm on creative block right now.

UGH.

Anyways.

I'm in a great mood. Intake today was approx 940cals, I then did approx 257-cals of exercise, which equals 683cals. Lots of tea.

Speaking of which, my new fav is what I'm replacing dessert with (I have a sweet tooth like nothing else!), is Chai-Chocolate & Green Tea. You can smell AND taste chocolate. I had 2 cups tonight 8D Good thing it has no value!

Falling inside the black

Gained weight, 2 pounds.

I'm so mad. SO fucking mad. And sad, because of failure; it is taking hold.

Dinner tonight is out of the question. Going to the gym with mom, and getting ready for school.

I need a tape measure to get my total body fat and shit.

It takes about 3500cals burned to lose a pound. 500 a day. About. No problem. I need this off. I'm drinking tea, right now and it makes me feel full. Exercising to keep metabolism up. Taking iron so I don't get dizzy - I do need a multivitamin though. I'll go grocery shopping w/ mom tonight to input some suggestions.

This is hell - to be this conscious of it. But I want it. I'm not anorexic, nor do I have an eating disorder - because I don't hate food. I hate myself. I am self confident in my skills and my smarts, not my looks.

I never do anything for myself, and this is it. I need this to keep me here.

My scars from my last bad night are fading. Never again will I scar myself, I promise. I need to find something else to do though. I want to sign up for a kick-boxing class, or something. Swimming is good, there is a YMCA right there. I have a pass. Everyday after school that is where I am going to try and go to. Homework, then gym. It's easy. I promise.

Tomorrow is my first day on it and I am going to do the elliptical for 30 mins, stretch, do some crunches and a mini-work out depending on how many people are there then go swimming for a while. I miss dinner. It's perfect. I'm actually getting excited now.

125 isn't too far away. Just 7 pounds.

I remember when I was 145-150 pounds last year. I can't even imagine. It's so gross to think of. Thank god I lost that weight.

To be honest, I'm worried the old scale we have at home is wrong. It's faulty. I could very well weigh 140, and the scale is being a douche. It's one of my biggest fears. Which is so sad.

I'm done my tea, and now I'm hungry. So, I'm going to clean. I have homework to do and stuff to get ready for.

Only 35cals today, a rice cake (which is a bad thing I know). But I plan to have an orange for lunch, 69 cals. My parents are watching, so I have to be careful. Whatever.

I've wasted time here, but it keeps me distracted.

They say that you have to eat several times a day to release enzymes to destroy fat, and I know that's true. UGH. I have to balance. Okay, fine. I'll go eat something now. I know that fasting doesn't help.

LOGIC. UGH, fuck. I want to fast, but I know that in the long run fasting makes things worse. This sucks

Hypocritical

That's what I am. My friends, my guy friends, are dieting. They don't need to. They're cute already, they don't need to lose weight at all. It's got me thinking about my motives again. It's hard to explain because I know there are two sets of reasons.

I had a bad eating day today - fries and grilled asaparagus & feta cheese pizza. It could have been worse though. I've been keeping close track of intake and actual exercise tho, and I've been doing well. Healthy, I guess. Which, right now, is okay. When I get in the mindset... that won't be good enough. I can hear it in the pack of my mind right now - that mentality, but it's quiet and easy to ignore.

Also, the whole thing with the friendly sex was a joke, apparently. Which is kindof sad, but whatever. Apparently I'm up for nomination on grad date though - which would make me so happy. I hate that I can't be the ideal for anyone. His is short and blonde. That's what he likes. Well, shit. Tall, brown.

I know why I don't have a boyfriend - it's cause I hang around with guys. Among other things...

But I can't stop that. I don't have any close girlfriends. Fuck.

I'm having problems resting. I sleep. I sleep for HOURS. But I don't rest. My mind is going crazy.

School starts soon, and I am ready for it mentally, but not actually physically as far as having my readings done and everything ready. But that's alright. I want to apply for a job too - I need money so bad. I'd work at Starbucks, the Oldfolks home, Winners, Reitmans, Chapters...job hunting would be a good thing. I kind of want to stay away from food establishments, but at the same time I find myself resisting most at those. We'll see. There's a Jugo Juice going up too, and I'd so work there.

Had an okay day, I think.

Back

Jamaica was wonderful - my tan is gorgeous, and I am actually loving how I look right now. It's weird.

But I'm still careful. I am eating - about 1000cals a day on a good day, but exercising so it levels out to approx 600-800cals. Which is fine, whatever. I didn't gain anything in Jamaica, despite the over eating, which I am very happy about! Didn't lose anything either, but that's alright too.

I'm in a coming-to-terms-with-it mind set right now. I know what I'm doing and I know how to control it. So we're good.

On another note, one of my guy friends I have been falling for a little. He's so charming and handsome and talented, I thought about him while I was away and I realized I actually liked him. I know he doesn't like me like that, which hurts a little, but that's okay. I saw him tonight and apparently he wants to lose his Vcard before going to university because he doesn't want it to way on his mind. Apparently, he was going to ask me, someone he trusts as a friend, if I would have sex with him and we could both lose our virginity in a non-damaging way. He didn't ask me yet, but it got me thinking... what would I say? How awkward would it be...

And I think i'd say yes.
=O

Jamaican blogpost

It took a while to get used to the idea that I’m actually here – in Jamaica. Something felt too homey, I was already ready to go home the moment I got here, because I felt at home. My problems followed me…. fights, school anxiety, my hate…my body image followed too… but was about 2 days behind. I over-ate deserts and stuff but didn’t really care. It caught up with me. I’ve been drinking a TON of water to counteract the virgin (and non-virgin…mmmm) pinia coladas and strawberry daiquiris.

The first 2 days I didn’t really care about what I ate… Now I am starting to. Half of my plate is fruit and veggies at all meals, fish/chicken – no steak, no cheese, no milk, yogurt at breakfast, eggs, avoiding pasta. Oh, and no fruit juice – it’s all sugar. For deserts, one plate only. Slice of cheesecake, or chocolate mouse. I can’t fast here… that’s silly.

The gym is nice, went snorkling, rowing… swimming. Didn’t burn a lot, but being in the sun and drinking ice water today helped a little. I will gain weight again, but the parents are planning on doing a “cleanse”, so low-cal, fat-free foods will flood in and I can be on the cleanse too…lets just say it’ll be easy to get by.

It’s very sad that this is all I can talk about right now.

Jamaica is beautiful, now that I have become accustomed to it. I’m realising. My other worries and fears slipping away to oblivion as I realise… hell, I’m IN THE CARIBEEAN. I’ve wanted to be here forever. I love it. I can do ANYTHING I want, all day.

My parents are trying to make me socialise with the other tourists…. but I’m here to relax, right? I’m an introvert by nature, imagine that. Shy, quiet, and I prefer being ALONE to being with people and talking and starting conversation. So… to truly relax, I lapse into my true nature. Solidarity. So, they can deal.

I don’t feel good writing this, in my hotel room, on day 3 of Jamaica trip. I feel like a failure to myself because I let this follow me. But it’s here now, so what can I do?

I’m enjoying myself, now especially that I’ve tanned a bit - it makes me look slimmer. :D I have abs now too, it’s great.

I don’t know how to end this post… its kindof how I feel now, actually. It’s like I know in 3 days I’m leaving and going back to Calgary – where it’s cold, where my mirror proclaims what I’m working for, where my friends are fighting, where school and grades and teachers are constant. But… I’m okay with that.

Tunnel vision –one end is just the past…. including the first 2 days, the last hours, minutes…. and the other is back home, emotionally and physically- and I’m somewhere in the middle.

UPDATE!!!

Weight: 130
Lost: 3ilbs
Goal: 125
Left: 5ilbs
BMI: 19.2
Timeline: 18days, so just over 2 weeks. :D Perfectly healthy times.
FUCK YEAH. Happy dance.

Logic

Logic is winning, three days in a row now.

Not sure how I feel about it. Neutral, I guess because I'm in the mindset of "YOU'RE FINE." It's weird. I ate a normal sized amount of food (tuna samich & diet coke & half a candy bar) and felt BLOATED. Full, done. It was weird because just 2 weeks ago, that much food is what I would eat regularly. Kind of disgusting.

Even when I'm here, in the "you're fine", logical mind set I'm still obsessing over calories and health. Like, for lunch we went to a cafe. What I wanted was perogies. Yeah. Cheese (fat), potato (empty calories), onion. Fried. Instead I was going to have a veggie quasadilla w/ chips. I got to the counter with my Diet coke and saw whole-wheat tuna w/ celery sandwiches (minimal mayonaise). Without even thinking I go for the whole wheat (healthy), tuna (low cal, protien) and celery (no cal). I get a nanimo bar to share with a friend.

When I was done, I felt sick and guilty - but I didn't purge. Felt like it, but didn't. Drank lots of water. I've been doing good with exercising. Speaking of which, its almost sundown - I should go for a walk.

I'm so looking forward to FRUIT and FRESH VEGGIES and low-fat yogurt in Jamaica. Countless pool hours/ ocean hours. 1hr in the ocean = about 360 cals. Crazy, right? I'm so excited. I plan to not be selfconcious because I know I'm losing as I go. I think that's why logic is winning - because there is a plan for a fast. :D

Can't wait to get away, for this exam to be over so that I can put this crap shoot semester behind me and start one that WILL be amazing, albeit hard and tedious. But I have plans. It'll work, I know it.

I'm going to disappear from everyone's lives, from this drama, from this city, from this room, from this blog for 6 days. I love it because it's opportunity.

I just can't figure out where to hid my pills when we go. I'm not going to stop taking them... even though they can't be working. Energy, right? Lipo6 is what they're called. I can take up to 3 a day, but logic only allows 2. They do give energy, though I think they're messing with my sleep.

Ohwell. Off to play on tetris and study bio. STUDY. I'll go for a walk when it's dark, that way it's cold. Burns more.

It's sad to think my life is this obsession now. It's replaced him. I'm perfectly fine, infact I am proud of it. I have something to focus on now.

Devan knows, as does Oce. During times when I'm freaking out, logic makes a move so people realise. It's annoying, but I know how to watch myself. It'll be fine.

I know just what to say.

I'm an excellent liar.

If I stay a good friend, a good student, someone who is involved and helps everyone... I should be able to do something for myself, right? This is it. Thin, healthy. That's what I want. Only 7 pounds to go.

Calorie Purge

I ate chocolate pie because tomorrow would be a new day, why not further fail?

So far I have burned approx 650 cals from measured exercise (1 hr brisk walking, 45mins skating, 30mins cleaning). That's breakfast, veggies, peanut butter, and most of the soup. All thats left is the pie, the chocolate chips and banana. I'm okay with that :D

Things are looking up.
I plan to walk another 30 mins and then listen to a 30 min episode of something, probably project runway or antm and do some crunches. That should maybe even rid myself of the chocolate chips.

FEELS GREAT.
Tomorrow we start anew.

Guilt

I ate about 650 calories yesterday. Walked for an hour, plus some squats and lunges. Brought it down to about 400. Felt amazing. Felt like... like it was real. Like I could do this. I could STILL eat. I wasn't hungry. I could still eat, and talk and be normal - and be worth it...

I binged today. Peanut butter, soup, chocolate... It started off good - two low-fat pancakes+ 40cals of yogurt, then for lunch two celery sticks and 1/4 cucumber... I don't know what happened then... I lost it. I needed something to hit my stomach, so I made soup and ate the entire thing - at least 200 cals of peanut butter, tbsp of chocolate chips... UGH. I feel awful, and I just want that feeling from yesterday back... I walked for an hour, been down squats, plan to do some push-ups and jumping jacks. The minute I was done, I cried and went on facebook... and looked at the most popular people I have as friends. They are my thinspo, because they are worth.

I feel everything else slipping. I need control. I will have control. Right now. I have two huge projects to do. This next semester will be different. Things WILL get done. I WILL study... at the gym I can do it. I CAN.

Right now... right now I feel like I need something. I've been waiting for someone to be that something, to make me feel better about everything, about myself, about life. There never was. Now, I realise that I'm an idiot. There will never be someone for me. I'm okay with that. I'll flirt, and if someone comes along... fine. But first, I need to feel better about everything, about myself, about life. I can make it better.

I can't wait to get to Jamaica. Fruit, veggies, water and the occasional fish. Constant swimming, running, hiking. No one to watch or know what I am eating. It doesn't matter there. 6 days to cleanse and restart and set the tone. I'm not worried about wearing a bathing suit - I'm excited because it's more proof. Motivation.

The idea of not having to eat, and being able to exercise constantly without question is very exciting. Very, very, very exciting.

Reading this... I realise I CAN do this. I will control it. And things will get better. Simple as that.

One of the sites recommended keeping track of binge/purging/dieting triggers...
Binging:
-Parents giving disapproving looks
-Failure
-Optimism

Fasting:
-Legs/Thighs
-THIN documentaries/interventions
-Control
-Failure


This is what I want:

Oh my god...

I don't even fucking know what I'm doing anymore. My family, my grades, my friends, my sanity is falling apart and... things pop up in my head that make no sense and I don't know how they got there. They called me 'robot' today and I flipped shit. Is it because I was so close to typing, "robots don't bleed, wanna see my fucking scars?". Was it because I was so close to telling them... robots don't starve. Robots don't cry - I'm crying now.

I'm lying to EVERYONE and I feel like... a failure. I can't trust anyone, yet everyone trusts me.

Had a long talk with Dad tonight. Cried. It means I failed. Fuck, why can't I ever SUCCEED? I can't fight myself, I'm not fucking strong enough. My mind is constantly flipping - logic and pain. I can't even succeed as a friend - I'm being fucking hypocritical.

I almost purged today, I was standing over the bowl...

I am worthless. How do I know? What am I worth to anyone, to myself? NOTHING. Fucking hell, I'm not important at ALL to this musical (where all my friends are), my other friends survived, hell they got tighter while I wasn't there. No one needs me any more. No one cares. Why should they? Fat, average-grade person who can't even stand up to HERSELF.

I ate SO MUCH TODAY. I've always been a fucking fat kid and I'm SICK OF IT. EVERY POUND BRINGS ME DOWN. What do I say? Nothing too much is wrong, just I'm a failure to myself, everyone around me and the world? Wow, sounds fantastic, I look forward to that conversation.

I have no connection. No one fucking knows me. No one knows how close I've been or why I got there. I can't handle it. I'm WEAK. I need to be strong. Somehow I need to be... someone who is needed. So, I'll keep doing what I'm doing because being thin... hell, I know, even now, I know I'm not overweight. I know that. But I also know I'm not pretty. Or experianced. Or a big party person. Or blonde. Or that boys don't like me. Or that intelligent. Or creative. I am nothing and I need to be worth something.

I can't be pretty, but I can be thin.

I care only about what other people think of how I think of myself. And yet I can't bring myself to tell them. They don't know. I can't do this to them. I CAN'T fucking end up in hospital, or in clinic or on drugs or some fucking shit. I can't do that to them.

The sad thing is... when it gets bad... that's what I want.

My greatest wish is to get hit by a car... diagnosised with something... just to see how many people would come... how many people would miss me. Sounds selfish. It is and I fucking hate that. I'm so selfish.

I can't... We're going to a beach thing for this trip. I don't know how I'll hid the scars or the bones. I'm scared someone will find out and make me stop because it isn't about being worth something to myself, or about being thin and fitting in... it's all I have. I don't have...anything else other than work.

WORK MAKES ME A ROBOT.

I don't know how much I ate today. I am disgusted.

He called me a pill popper. He has no idea how true it is.

I don't want to die. But I don't want to stop. And, right now, the other mind is getting strong.

THIS IS DUMB. THIS IS STUPID. THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE. HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO THEM?!

THIS FEELS RIGHT. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU WILL BE LOVED. HOW CAN'T YOU DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.

Worth

That's what this is about. I've figured it out. Beyond the selfishness, beyond the acceptance... I need to be worth something to MYSELF.

Every pound of fat, every roll brings that down.

I have this.

I can feel the mind... no it has formed. I just carved FAT into my thigh. I am happy, for the first time today. It feels better.

And that's so wrong.

Failure

Logic won today, but not tomorrow. it doesn't have to. I don't like tea. I'll bring water. I don't feel well, getting sick. Drink water.

I'm talking to him about it. And I'm lying, kindof. I'm not anorexic, I don't have an eating disorder. I restrict, but I'm not letting that restrict me. I am strong.

My measurements (this is so hard because I feel like... I'm trying to prove something to myself or something... fucking I can't even get together a sentence. I am downloading Courage and Sophie. And some Thinspo and couples. Just remember what you're working for. I'm also taking a peice of ribbon and wrapping it around my thigh, tying it, then sticking it in my purse. That way I always remember what I am now.

Speaking of which.
Height: 5'9" and a bit
Weight: 133 ilbs
Goal: 125 ilbs
Just five pounds. That's it. Toning of the thighs and arms... it'll be perfect.

He's worried about that person. Ana. I can't be with him , cause he'll find out I lied. And that hurts.

Thin

Never have been good at commitments, Sophie.
Maybe this will be different.
I've been fighting it, my logical mind has been fighting the mindset. The stupid, every girl, damaging, idiotic, media mindset! Fuck, I cant believe this is where I am now. I told myself I'd never be that girl. I'd never loose my belief in myself.
I gained 2 pounds in the first week of Christmas break.
It was the straw, that and Morgan, that broke the camels back.
I've been restricting.
Looking up tips.
Going to the gym.
Watching videos.
Listening to music.
Searching for thinspiration.
I'm actually ashamed.
I can feel the formation of that second mind, the angry, perfectionist. Just another pound. That's all. Maybe someone will find you attractive. Maybe someone will ask you out. Not yet? Maybe after the next pound. I can FEEL it happening.
I WON'T allow myself to get that far, I have enough control. Just... a little bit.
I've always been a people pleaser. What I want is what they want. No one has ever wanted me. Ever. I've always been... overweight or average. No boobs. Huge ass. Huge legs. Coincidence? No. Connection.

I've been telling people my new years resolutions. Here, I will set them down truthfully.

# MORE: Focus on grades, clubs and events, distractions, partying, excersise

# LESS: Stressing, shyness, fat, eating

# WANTS: Get a boyfriend (seriously), reach goal weight of 120ilbs, ace classes

# LOOKS FORWARD TO: Results, 17th

# DOESN'T WANT: Stress, lies, worry

It hurts to actually look at myself, realise why it is that I've always been a social outcast. Because I've defied it. I've defied beauty and fun. Denied. I can do both. I know I can. I can keep myself, but still fit in with the rest...

This is what I want. I'm taking measurements tomorrow. We'll see.
This is so wrong.
But I don't care.
Because no one else does.
I just want to be like all the other girls! That's fucking all.

I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.