Long time

A month has gone by. I never came back because of the promise I made to get better. I didn't keep it; so I feel like even more of a failure. A failure to myself.

I'm... I actually was very very depressed. I had a breakdown 4 weeks ago. Very very bad. I just lost it. It was a combination of stuff -I don't even want to recount it. Then, something happened - I just turned. I was, well not happy, but not depressed. I found myself waking up smiling. Being energetic. Creative. Laughing with friends. Eating better. The last two weeks have been... blissful.

Save for eating. Healthy is one thing, binging... control... is another. I still can't control how much I eat. I still hate my body. I don't hate myself, my personality, but I still hate that I can't be that person. I've returned to my normal weight... and it's sad in several ways to think that a month or so ago I weighed 10 pounds less - of fat. That's another thing, I remember even when I was 130 I could grab fat. Fat that is now gone because I've been working out. I feel the back of my legs and underneath the fat I feel muscle, instead of more fat... it's probably the only thing that is keeping me up.

I look at myself rarely now. I weigh myself rarely. But when I do, I get so momentarily depressed. I hate how I look, I hate my body. I hate that I can't wear clothes without a roll of fat showing. I hate that all the other girls can eat whatever they want and be thin and happy.

I went to a party Friday. Had fun. I was happy - excited - a sliver of who I wish I was all the time. These two girls - both gorgeous, it-girls of their cliques with boyfriends, told me I was gorgeous. Sincerely. Talked about how I should model. I didn't know them. That... two things happened in my head 1) Don't lie to me, are you delusional? ....2) thank you, you have no idea what it means to me.

How do I respond to a compliment when I don't believe it? When, to my core, my only personal vice and problem, is that to which you are complimenting?

I have such a problem with lying to people like this - hysterical, because I lie to people all the time. I just wish I didn't have to smile and thank them. That I could just nod and say You don't need to say that.

It's been almost exactly a month since I stopped being an idiot and starving myself.Probably another thing... it's cyclic. I want to tell him so bad. I want to tell someone that I see every day - that doesn't judge - that could sense a bad day and make sure I don't fall off... because I feel like I'm going to lapse again. I hear the voice... for the first time in a month I heard the -you're hungry, but you don't need to eat-. It scared me. I do and don't want that again. It was hell. But I felt liberated, I think. I hated it. But I hate this too. There is just as much hate, just as much pain.

I find myself looking forward to the 30hr famine... not because it's a great charity - a great cause, but because I will have an excuse to fast for two days. I could "get on track" again.

Shit no, why don't I have the strength to find balance? I AM strong. I am smart. Why can't I be... I don't even know. I don't know what I want.