Skiing today was... brilliant. I've realized how much I have changed in a year, the quiet and speed allowed me to reflect. A true cleanser. I thought:
This last week, I tried to let go and basically just be normal. Eat semi-normally; very healthy. I ended up losing control... a lot. Nearly 3 times a day I would go for an apple, and stay in the kitchen for a longtime just eating whatever I could nuke/ eat easily. At first, I thought it was just my body moving on it's own, but now I've realized it's more of my mind; the logical side lost control too.
I need to regain control of my eating/exercising. I need to find a balance. So, I have decided - in a logic, non-weight loss centered mindset - to do a 3 day water fast starting not tomorrow, but Tuesday-Thursday. I need to again experience, reteach my mind control, then ease into controlled eating. Not restricting, but eating when I'm hungry. And eating healthy. I am easing myself into the fast tomorrow by eating a hearty breakfast, but then tapering off - a small spinach pita and apple for lunch, a little soup early evening.
I just need to control it again. Commit and then focus on other things; school, a job, friends, meetings, other commitments. I have to stop thinking about food. I have to.
NO I am not happy with how I look.
NO I haven't changed my view; I am still worthless.
BUT I'm more worthless out of control.
This week, I've felt no happiness from the food and I can't remember what this joy of emptyness was.
SO; no more talking about food/fasts/weight here. No more. Time to talk about more important things in life. Starting tomorrow, going all week. Time to turn this around, girl.
And then I got to the bottom of the hill.
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