Falling inside the black

Gained weight, 2 pounds.

I'm so mad. SO fucking mad. And sad, because of failure; it is taking hold.

Dinner tonight is out of the question. Going to the gym with mom, and getting ready for school.

I need a tape measure to get my total body fat and shit.

It takes about 3500cals burned to lose a pound. 500 a day. About. No problem. I need this off. I'm drinking tea, right now and it makes me feel full. Exercising to keep metabolism up. Taking iron so I don't get dizzy - I do need a multivitamin though. I'll go grocery shopping w/ mom tonight to input some suggestions.

This is hell - to be this conscious of it. But I want it. I'm not anorexic, nor do I have an eating disorder - because I don't hate food. I hate myself. I am self confident in my skills and my smarts, not my looks.

I never do anything for myself, and this is it. I need this to keep me here.

My scars from my last bad night are fading. Never again will I scar myself, I promise. I need to find something else to do though. I want to sign up for a kick-boxing class, or something. Swimming is good, there is a YMCA right there. I have a pass. Everyday after school that is where I am going to try and go to. Homework, then gym. It's easy. I promise.

Tomorrow is my first day on it and I am going to do the elliptical for 30 mins, stretch, do some crunches and a mini-work out depending on how many people are there then go swimming for a while. I miss dinner. It's perfect. I'm actually getting excited now.

125 isn't too far away. Just 7 pounds.

I remember when I was 145-150 pounds last year. I can't even imagine. It's so gross to think of. Thank god I lost that weight.

To be honest, I'm worried the old scale we have at home is wrong. It's faulty. I could very well weigh 140, and the scale is being a douche. It's one of my biggest fears. Which is so sad.

I'm done my tea, and now I'm hungry. So, I'm going to clean. I have homework to do and stuff to get ready for.

Only 35cals today, a rice cake (which is a bad thing I know). But I plan to have an orange for lunch, 69 cals. My parents are watching, so I have to be careful. Whatever.

I've wasted time here, but it keeps me distracted.

They say that you have to eat several times a day to release enzymes to destroy fat, and I know that's true. UGH. I have to balance. Okay, fine. I'll go eat something now. I know that fasting doesn't help.

LOGIC. UGH, fuck. I want to fast, but I know that in the long run fasting makes things worse. This sucks