Binge

This week I have been having a good attitude; health. I have been eating... but badly. Not unhealthily (until tonight) but in binge sessions. The moment I start eating, I can't stop. I literally have to leave the house to stop eating.

Tonight, brother had a party and there was shit everywhere. I resisted until midgnight and am now late-night binging on dips, chips, chocolate, Oreos, nuts, chicken... and apples and pears. Oh dear. This is bad.

I am so messed. I do have an eating disorder... I have addmited. I starved, went bad for 3 months, let those thoughts prevail and now I am fighting it... trying to eat a little and binging horribly. My parents are noticing. I'm protective about food. I constantly think about it. Constantly.

This is hell. I need help.

Know what is it, the factor? My period. I am having it again after only 2 weeks...

I need to get better.

But I still don't want the weight.

I'm going to the gym tomorrow. For as long as I have to. Skiing on Sunday. I have to... get better. But, why can't I be better at my weight now? Its only 5 pounds less! ONLY 5 POUNDS and my body freaks out.

FUCK.

I did take out my braids tonight... and I look effing sexy with my hair all kinky. I think that's part of the binge too (I'm still eating... chocolate). I felt great and sexy all day. People told me I was hot. I came home and entertained my brothers horny little friends. Took my braids out and into the hairstyle I know is fucking sexy.

Damnit. Balance? NO.

I want to fast tomorrow, but I'm not sure... we'll see.