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I'm done with the depression. I just have to admit that this is what I am doing. And if I'm doing it, hell, I'd better be happy about it.
I'm even trying to convince myself. And its not working at all.
Avoided a sugar-laden, fat-party with icecream/cake tonight... half because I didn't want to go and half to avoid the calories. Its sad, but at the same time not. I have been debating all day on whether or not to keep fasting (save for a few strawberries/ tbsps of rice). It's Valentines Day.
One part of me is going, "You might as well eat a little something, restrict again tomorrow when you're out, and full-blown fast on Monday."
Another part is saying, "EAT YOU DUMB SHIT."
Another part is saying, "Aren't you fat enough already? You don't need to eat. Drink tea, do your homework, watch a movie. Hell, go for a walk. Your hour at the gym wasn't good enough. What a failure."

Right now, I'm listening to voice 3. I want #1. And... I wish... I wish I could be #2.

I'm... losing control? Is it control not to eat, or control of it to eat? I can't get it right either way. I'm such an idiot. I'm fucking WORTHLESS.

Oh, yeah. After all this. ALL THIS SINCE I FUCKING STARTED... 2ilbs lost. Nothing. NOTHING.

I HATE that this is making me cry. What does it mean?! I want to waste away. So that I don't have to feel this.

At the mall on Thursday I fit into an XXS sized dress. I was happy, and it gave me confidence. Now....I feel like a whale. Everyday it gets worse.

They're ordering pizza. PIZZA for dinner. Better than what they had last night. I'm scared they're noticing. I don't want them to stop. I don't want to stop. I wish I could though.

This makes no sense anymore. I just want to sleep it away. Go back to my dream land.