Thin

Never have been good at commitments, Sophie.
Maybe this will be different.
I've been fighting it, my logical mind has been fighting the mindset. The stupid, every girl, damaging, idiotic, media mindset! Fuck, I cant believe this is where I am now. I told myself I'd never be that girl. I'd never loose my belief in myself.
I gained 2 pounds in the first week of Christmas break.
It was the straw, that and Morgan, that broke the camels back.
I've been restricting.
Looking up tips.
Going to the gym.
Watching videos.
Listening to music.
Searching for thinspiration.
I'm actually ashamed.
I can feel the formation of that second mind, the angry, perfectionist. Just another pound. That's all. Maybe someone will find you attractive. Maybe someone will ask you out. Not yet? Maybe after the next pound. I can FEEL it happening.
I WON'T allow myself to get that far, I have enough control. Just... a little bit.
I've always been a people pleaser. What I want is what they want. No one has ever wanted me. Ever. I've always been... overweight or average. No boobs. Huge ass. Huge legs. Coincidence? No. Connection.

I've been telling people my new years resolutions. Here, I will set them down truthfully.

# MORE: Focus on grades, clubs and events, distractions, partying, excersise

# LESS: Stressing, shyness, fat, eating

# WANTS: Get a boyfriend (seriously), reach goal weight of 120ilbs, ace classes

# LOOKS FORWARD TO: Results, 17th

# DOESN'T WANT: Stress, lies, worry

It hurts to actually look at myself, realise why it is that I've always been a social outcast. Because I've defied it. I've defied beauty and fun. Denied. I can do both. I know I can. I can keep myself, but still fit in with the rest...

This is what I want. I'm taking measurements tomorrow. We'll see.
This is so wrong.
But I don't care.
Because no one else does.
I just want to be like all the other girls! That's fucking all.

I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.