Logic

Logic is winning, three days in a row now.

Not sure how I feel about it. Neutral, I guess because I'm in the mindset of "YOU'RE FINE." It's weird. I ate a normal sized amount of food (tuna samich & diet coke & half a candy bar) and felt BLOATED. Full, done. It was weird because just 2 weeks ago, that much food is what I would eat regularly. Kind of disgusting.

Even when I'm here, in the "you're fine", logical mind set I'm still obsessing over calories and health. Like, for lunch we went to a cafe. What I wanted was perogies. Yeah. Cheese (fat), potato (empty calories), onion. Fried. Instead I was going to have a veggie quasadilla w/ chips. I got to the counter with my Diet coke and saw whole-wheat tuna w/ celery sandwiches (minimal mayonaise). Without even thinking I go for the whole wheat (healthy), tuna (low cal, protien) and celery (no cal). I get a nanimo bar to share with a friend.

When I was done, I felt sick and guilty - but I didn't purge. Felt like it, but didn't. Drank lots of water. I've been doing good with exercising. Speaking of which, its almost sundown - I should go for a walk.

I'm so looking forward to FRUIT and FRESH VEGGIES and low-fat yogurt in Jamaica. Countless pool hours/ ocean hours. 1hr in the ocean = about 360 cals. Crazy, right? I'm so excited. I plan to not be selfconcious because I know I'm losing as I go. I think that's why logic is winning - because there is a plan for a fast. :D

Can't wait to get away, for this exam to be over so that I can put this crap shoot semester behind me and start one that WILL be amazing, albeit hard and tedious. But I have plans. It'll work, I know it.

I'm going to disappear from everyone's lives, from this drama, from this city, from this room, from this blog for 6 days. I love it because it's opportunity.

I just can't figure out where to hid my pills when we go. I'm not going to stop taking them... even though they can't be working. Energy, right? Lipo6 is what they're called. I can take up to 3 a day, but logic only allows 2. They do give energy, though I think they're messing with my sleep.

Ohwell. Off to play on tetris and study bio. STUDY. I'll go for a walk when it's dark, that way it's cold. Burns more.

It's sad to think my life is this obsession now. It's replaced him. I'm perfectly fine, infact I am proud of it. I have something to focus on now.

Devan knows, as does Oce. During times when I'm freaking out, logic makes a move so people realise. It's annoying, but I know how to watch myself. It'll be fine.

I know just what to say.

I'm an excellent liar.

If I stay a good friend, a good student, someone who is involved and helps everyone... I should be able to do something for myself, right? This is it. Thin, healthy. That's what I want. Only 7 pounds to go.