Guilt

I ate about 650 calories yesterday. Walked for an hour, plus some squats and lunges. Brought it down to about 400. Felt amazing. Felt like... like it was real. Like I could do this. I could STILL eat. I wasn't hungry. I could still eat, and talk and be normal - and be worth it...

I binged today. Peanut butter, soup, chocolate... It started off good - two low-fat pancakes+ 40cals of yogurt, then for lunch two celery sticks and 1/4 cucumber... I don't know what happened then... I lost it. I needed something to hit my stomach, so I made soup and ate the entire thing - at least 200 cals of peanut butter, tbsp of chocolate chips... UGH. I feel awful, and I just want that feeling from yesterday back... I walked for an hour, been down squats, plan to do some push-ups and jumping jacks. The minute I was done, I cried and went on facebook... and looked at the most popular people I have as friends. They are my thinspo, because they are worth.

I feel everything else slipping. I need control. I will have control. Right now. I have two huge projects to do. This next semester will be different. Things WILL get done. I WILL study... at the gym I can do it. I CAN.

Right now... right now I feel like I need something. I've been waiting for someone to be that something, to make me feel better about everything, about myself, about life. There never was. Now, I realise that I'm an idiot. There will never be someone for me. I'm okay with that. I'll flirt, and if someone comes along... fine. But first, I need to feel better about everything, about myself, about life. I can make it better.

I can't wait to get to Jamaica. Fruit, veggies, water and the occasional fish. Constant swimming, running, hiking. No one to watch or know what I am eating. It doesn't matter there. 6 days to cleanse and restart and set the tone. I'm not worried about wearing a bathing suit - I'm excited because it's more proof. Motivation.

The idea of not having to eat, and being able to exercise constantly without question is very exciting. Very, very, very exciting.

Reading this... I realise I CAN do this. I will control it. And things will get better. Simple as that.

One of the sites recommended keeping track of binge/purging/dieting triggers...
Binging:
-Parents giving disapproving looks
-Failure
-Optimism

Fasting:
-Legs/Thighs
-THIN documentaries/interventions
-Control
-Failure


This is what I want: