Something clicks.

Skiing today was... brilliant. I've realized how much I have changed in a year, the quiet and speed allowed me to reflect. A true cleanser. I thought:

This last week, I tried to let go and basically just be normal. Eat semi-normally; very healthy. I ended up losing control... a lot. Nearly 3 times a day I would go for an apple, and stay in the kitchen for a longtime just eating whatever I could nuke/ eat easily. At first, I thought it was just my body moving on it's own, but now I've realized it's more of my mind; the logical side lost control too.

I need to regain control of my eating/exercising. I need to find a balance. So, I have decided - in a logic, non-weight loss centered mindset - to do a 3 day water fast starting not tomorrow, but Tuesday-Thursday. I need to again experience, reteach my mind control, then ease into controlled eating. Not restricting, but eating when I'm hungry. And eating healthy. I am easing myself into the fast tomorrow by eating a hearty breakfast, but then tapering off - a small spinach pita and apple for lunch, a little soup early evening.

I just need to control it again. Commit and then focus on other things; school, a job, friends, meetings, other commitments. I have to stop thinking about food. I have to.

NO I am not happy with how I look.
NO I haven't changed my view; I am still worthless.
BUT I'm more worthless out of control.

This week, I've felt no happiness from the food and I can't remember what this joy of emptyness was.

SO; no more talking about food/fasts/weight here. No more. Time to talk about more important things in life. Starting tomorrow, going all week. Time to turn this around, girl.

And then I got to the bottom of the hill.

Binge

This week I have been having a good attitude; health. I have been eating... but badly. Not unhealthily (until tonight) but in binge sessions. The moment I start eating, I can't stop. I literally have to leave the house to stop eating.

Tonight, brother had a party and there was shit everywhere. I resisted until midgnight and am now late-night binging on dips, chips, chocolate, Oreos, nuts, chicken... and apples and pears. Oh dear. This is bad.

I am so messed. I do have an eating disorder... I have addmited. I starved, went bad for 3 months, let those thoughts prevail and now I am fighting it... trying to eat a little and binging horribly. My parents are noticing. I'm protective about food. I constantly think about it. Constantly.

This is hell. I need help.

Know what is it, the factor? My period. I am having it again after only 2 weeks...

I need to get better.

But I still don't want the weight.

I'm going to the gym tomorrow. For as long as I have to. Skiing on Sunday. I have to... get better. But, why can't I be better at my weight now? Its only 5 pounds less! ONLY 5 POUNDS and my body freaks out.

FUCK.

I did take out my braids tonight... and I look effing sexy with my hair all kinky. I think that's part of the binge too (I'm still eating... chocolate). I felt great and sexy all day. People told me I was hot. I came home and entertained my brothers horny little friends. Took my braids out and into the hairstyle I know is fucking sexy.

Damnit. Balance? NO.

I want to fast tomorrow, but I'm not sure... we'll see.

Success?

It is 7pm, which is my intake cutoff.

It was my first fast today... well, I sort-of cheated, I had a carrot and 1/3 of an apple. But, I also exercised, so those calories are gone anyways. I feel great.

I know I have to eat something tomorrow.

I was thinking today, "This is so dumb, I need to start eating like a normal person." And I was amazed by the lack of angry, ana response. My heart didn't race. My mind didn't start yelling. I do need to start eating like a normal person.

That's how I feel right now.

Tomorrow, I want to eat like a semi-normal person. I need to stop this, because I can lose fat without not eating. I need muscle and definition.

When you re-read this tomorrow, babe, or when you feel bad... Just stop and think. Muscle vs bone. Exercise and eat right, but still eat. Food is something you need. Healthy is what matters. When you're dead, you're not worth anything either. Strength.

Crushed under the wheel...

A classmate died of cancer today. I just... does it make me want to live? What does it make me think of?

Pain.

I feel numb, unable to process it. She dies... she doesn't need to die, she didn't... people with cancer don't choose it. Her I am being a selfish bitch, trying to starve myself into... into being something that I don't even know how to describe. I don't know why I'm doing this, I really don't. It's slow-painful suicide, and I know that. I know it. I could... I am choosing death. I am. And she... she didn't want death. She just wanted to live as long as could.

I'm fucking worthless, such a fucking bitch. I don't know what I'm going to do.

_____

I'm done with the depression. I just have to admit that this is what I am doing. And if I'm doing it, hell, I'd better be happy about it.
I'm even trying to convince myself. And its not working at all.
Avoided a sugar-laden, fat-party with icecream/cake tonight... half because I didn't want to go and half to avoid the calories. Its sad, but at the same time not. I have been debating all day on whether or not to keep fasting (save for a few strawberries/ tbsps of rice). It's Valentines Day.
One part of me is going, "You might as well eat a little something, restrict again tomorrow when you're out, and full-blown fast on Monday."
Another part is saying, "EAT YOU DUMB SHIT."
Another part is saying, "Aren't you fat enough already? You don't need to eat. Drink tea, do your homework, watch a movie. Hell, go for a walk. Your hour at the gym wasn't good enough. What a failure."

Right now, I'm listening to voice 3. I want #1. And... I wish... I wish I could be #2.

I'm... losing control? Is it control not to eat, or control of it to eat? I can't get it right either way. I'm such an idiot. I'm fucking WORTHLESS.

Oh, yeah. After all this. ALL THIS SINCE I FUCKING STARTED... 2ilbs lost. Nothing. NOTHING.

I HATE that this is making me cry. What does it mean?! I want to waste away. So that I don't have to feel this.

At the mall on Thursday I fit into an XXS sized dress. I was happy, and it gave me confidence. Now....I feel like a whale. Everyday it gets worse.

They're ordering pizza. PIZZA for dinner. Better than what they had last night. I'm scared they're noticing. I don't want them to stop. I don't want to stop. I wish I could though.

This makes no sense anymore. I just want to sleep it away. Go back to my dream land.

Wordless

I'm in a numb, gray, lukewarm state. I don't... know.
I want it off. I don't know why. I just... need it off.
But I love food. And I hate the depression, and how much it...takes me.
I don't know what to say.

Bad Day?

I had a I-don't-really-care day. Ate a lot, but at the same time, abstained from brownies / cupcakes that were offered, so small victory? Ate some deserts though. So, I'm not happy about that. But I had a good day. Apparently, not eating makes me depressed. Wonder why D=

I have a dark chocolate in my bag and I am going to eat it.

Tomorrow, I'm limiting again to fruit/veggies and some wheat. Yogurt too. It's okay.

Rollercoaster...

I did good today again... until a while ago. I "binged" on grapes. yeah, no worries. It's grapes. They're fruit. They're not going to make you fat. Then, I had a cookie. THen, half a croissant. Now I feel like shit and I want so badly to make it go away.

Then I got in a fight with my whole fucking family. They hate me. I hate me. I'm not worth fucking anything, and I want all this fucking pain just to stop. I don't want to have to care about what I'm putting in my mouth, how many calories I burn a day. I don't want to have to worry about inches. But I do. Because... if I don't what do I have?

I'm crying right now.
And I want it to go away, so bad.
and I'm not sure if I'm talking about the food, or the pain...

I was doing so well.

Lies = Happiness?

I had a diet day today, at the moment I am in approx 1500cals deficient from intake... which was VERY healthy! I did about 1097 cals worth of measurable exercise... which is good for anyone.

The big thing of the day is that I got on the real scale at the YMCA..133ilbs. Which means my scale is 3 pounds off. Initially, I went into absolute shock. Then, I calmed down and I just realized I will accept that because weight don't matter right now, inches and firmness do.

One would think this realization, that I am actually 3 pounds heavier... 3 pounds further from my goal, but for some reason I felt lighter after my minor-break-down. I've accepted it, and I just want to LOOK GOOD. Besides, working out for me will create muscle very quickly and muscle weighs twice as much as fat, right? I just want the fat gone. =D

I'm repeating tomorrow, so maybe I can loose about 1 pound. That would make me happy and I would reward myself. With 1/4 cup of strawberry low fat ice cream!! Yayyyy!

And with this... for some reason I am happy. I woke up depressed. But I am now amazing.

Not good enough

Lost the 2 pounds again... in 5 days.
I thought I'd be happy.
I feel worse.
Lies and stupidity.
Can't justify it.

Friday is for fast. Which is what I want, but I failed kindof (at 600 right now, but I want most of it gone). Of course, the day isn't done yet.

I want food, I crave it. But the moment I finish eating it - I feel awful.

I just wish someone would tell me that I mean something to them. And mean it. Really truely mean it. Because, it's true, I have no justification for what I'm doing - trying to obtain value for myself (what is value?! why does it have to be a relationship?!) but I have no justification for my current value either.

This is absolute hell.

Depressed

I don't know what it was this time.
After chiro I came home.
Ate.
A little too much, but nothing I wasn't OK with.
Did my totals.
Went online.
Started to homework...
And felt like... nothing I do matters.

Honestly, right now, I feel like I'm an idiot. I don't GET anything. I'm slow. I can't understand because I'm too dumb. I feel like purging. Starting over. I feel like carving - I have another pin with me right now.

I wish I could tell her why I am so devoted to her recovery, why I've been showering her with gifts and complimenting her. But I can't. Because I've lied to everyone else.

I'm such an idiot.
So, I'm going to bed.
Without exercise.
Without... caring.

I wish someone got it.
What a bad night.

Day 2: Back

So, semester two is in and I and I am in a strong love/hate relationship with it.

SocialAP is a HELL of a lot of work, but I love it so far. There are only 10 people in the class, which I find hilarious. It makes it quiet. They're still bugging me about being a robot - and I gave them a week to have fun, afterwards I'm going to get genuinely pissed off. It is hurtful because it makes me feel worthless, unhuman, separate.

Multimedia 30 is multimedia. I'll whine and bitch about it. Scriptwriting is first, and I'm hitting writers block and very seriously considering writing about hitting writers block. Original? Yes. /sarcasm.

Math is going alright, and there are a few questions I don't get and I need to take them up now before I get lost. I survived with an awful teacher Math10 with an 80 so I should be alright, but ehhh - it's too early to tell. Also, a lot of work.

Chem is all review right now. The teacher is amazing, but there are a lot of people who dislike me in the class which is unnerving. Also, a lot of work.

Thankfully, all this leaves me little extra time. I'm doing good with intake and exercise, but I have modified my max daily to 1100cals because of having to be up and focused for 17hours a day. I am working exercising with high-intensity yoga, pushups & squats & crunches, and mini-weights into walking to build tone. I'm keeping a moderately detailed log (just cals, not anything else), but am watching fat and carb intake too.

I braided my hair and he's been singing Bob Marley. It's so cute. I missed him so much. I miss all my theatre friends... I'm not going to see them much anymore. I'll go to all the parties anyways though. Hahaha

I'm on creative block right now.

UGH.

Anyways.

I'm in a great mood. Intake today was approx 940cals, I then did approx 257-cals of exercise, which equals 683cals. Lots of tea.

Speaking of which, my new fav is what I'm replacing dessert with (I have a sweet tooth like nothing else!), is Chai-Chocolate & Green Tea. You can smell AND taste chocolate. I had 2 cups tonight 8D Good thing it has no value!

Falling inside the black

Gained weight, 2 pounds.

I'm so mad. SO fucking mad. And sad, because of failure; it is taking hold.

Dinner tonight is out of the question. Going to the gym with mom, and getting ready for school.

I need a tape measure to get my total body fat and shit.

It takes about 3500cals burned to lose a pound. 500 a day. About. No problem. I need this off. I'm drinking tea, right now and it makes me feel full. Exercising to keep metabolism up. Taking iron so I don't get dizzy - I do need a multivitamin though. I'll go grocery shopping w/ mom tonight to input some suggestions.

This is hell - to be this conscious of it. But I want it. I'm not anorexic, nor do I have an eating disorder - because I don't hate food. I hate myself. I am self confident in my skills and my smarts, not my looks.

I never do anything for myself, and this is it. I need this to keep me here.

My scars from my last bad night are fading. Never again will I scar myself, I promise. I need to find something else to do though. I want to sign up for a kick-boxing class, or something. Swimming is good, there is a YMCA right there. I have a pass. Everyday after school that is where I am going to try and go to. Homework, then gym. It's easy. I promise.

Tomorrow is my first day on it and I am going to do the elliptical for 30 mins, stretch, do some crunches and a mini-work out depending on how many people are there then go swimming for a while. I miss dinner. It's perfect. I'm actually getting excited now.

125 isn't too far away. Just 7 pounds.

I remember when I was 145-150 pounds last year. I can't even imagine. It's so gross to think of. Thank god I lost that weight.

To be honest, I'm worried the old scale we have at home is wrong. It's faulty. I could very well weigh 140, and the scale is being a douche. It's one of my biggest fears. Which is so sad.

I'm done my tea, and now I'm hungry. So, I'm going to clean. I have homework to do and stuff to get ready for.

Only 35cals today, a rice cake (which is a bad thing I know). But I plan to have an orange for lunch, 69 cals. My parents are watching, so I have to be careful. Whatever.

I've wasted time here, but it keeps me distracted.

They say that you have to eat several times a day to release enzymes to destroy fat, and I know that's true. UGH. I have to balance. Okay, fine. I'll go eat something now. I know that fasting doesn't help.

LOGIC. UGH, fuck. I want to fast, but I know that in the long run fasting makes things worse. This sucks