Green Eyed Monster, Parties and Texts

Wow, so two long days to account for. Lets see what I can remember. First, Friday, I suppose.

It was Dallen's funeral... the thought preceded all others in my own mind - even Him, and Blondie. I still feel gut-wrenching sadness and sickness when I think of it... his memorial group is putting up photos and every time I see one I picture a rope around his neck... Poor kid. It's so weird, to think about suicide... to wonder what pushed him to it, what made him kick the chair?

He was very upset, or so it seemed. We had a very cryptic conversation... "How're you?" "Alright. You?" "Alright." "Why just alright?" "I could ask you the same thing." "I have a rather obvious reason, what's yours?" "Very similar to yours." "Oh." Haha. Wearing the scarf again. Damn. Came to school with bed head though teehee.

Blondie was being too cute again. Just so excited. Making fun. Can't tell still. Frustrating.

Bio I ate some Baily's filled chocolates... you can just taste the alcohol. I sat there watching Planet Earth hoping against hope that there would be more of that taste at the party. (Which there wasn't but thats okay).

After school was a distaster and a win. Rehearsal failed mostly because I wasn't commited to it. Without my script, I felt useless, plus there wasn't any need for me anyways we could only run 4 scenes. And those scenes were set pretty much anyways.

Em said he was lying, making an attention-grabbing sob story. No idea.

Then, Mr. E was like : I need j00 to do lights for the BBDD naow. I haven't touched lighting since, oh, last december? -sigh- Anyways, because I can't say no because I had no good reason to, I went and set up lights. Didn't fail too epicly. But, while I was up on the gym rafter handing one, he comes into the gym and joins me. We make small talk while I wait for an extension cord. It was... really odd. He had just got back from the funeral so... we skidded around the subject and just chatted. I caught him looking at me a few times. It was... odd.

The party was so fun - but awkward at first. You know when you're last to arrive, you know 1 of the 8 people there... Yeah that was me. Good thing for my theatreness, I had no problem. Got pretty rowdy after a while, sugar-high was serious. Don't even remember most of the night. I do remember Steven taking his sleeping pills and getting really high and rhyming and pretending he was a salamander... LOL. So much fun to just be a teenager and talk dirty and make jokes and drink pop and jump on people and yell and scream and pass out on the ground.

Woke up this morning at about 8am (after going to sleep at 2) and couldn't get back to sleep so I went on her computer. Was thinking about things like the urinary system, laundry, life, him, Em, other things. What would it be like to just live like this? All the time? Just be your average 75%, party going, commitmentless, working kid. No 10hrs of theatre every week, no volunteering hours, no 87% on double unit finals, no clubs. What would it be like? I am not sure I really want to find out.

When everyone else finally got up at 11, I was getting ready to go. More cupcakes.

Today, well, was a waste. I didn't do much. Mostly 'cause I was wallowing. Having a bad self-esteem day due to soreness, crap food from yesterday and the fact that even my least desirable friends are hooking up with people and they look so HAPPY. I don't understand why I don't ever have anyone. Why no one is interested. I'm not saying I'm a great catch... so OCD, controlling, type A, undecided, busy... but why can't anyone... ugh. Its so depressing to think that... never. I wish someone would come up to me and tell me what to do. High school isn't all about guys, but I don't want to be remembered as the girl who never dated. Reputation.

I'm so jealous. Are they real? Fake? What is the secret to finding love? What is the secret?! WHAT IS THE SECRET?!?!