Early Morning

Its early.
I don't know why I've made another one of these.
I always just end up adding blogs to a list of failed methods of self-betterment.
Oh well.

So much drama has happened. She likes him, he adores her, he doesn't know, she couldn't care less.
It's her fault. It's his fault. It's my fault.

I watched his magic tricks video twice. So much for forgetting him and leaving him be.

Why do I get so easily attached to people? I know too well the pain of being wrong, being shotdown, being untouchable. Unclassic heartbreak. He's worried about being alone, not having anyone there for him? I've never had anyone there.

Times like this make me feel. Sad, talentless, ugly, annoyed. But feel. I remember, back in Jr. high, when I was /so/ happy. Hyper. Carefree. Fake. The energy, the foul-mindedness was immaturity. I was OCD. I am OCD.

I spend an hour in the morning picking out an outfit for the weather, for my meetings, for who's going to be at rehearsal. I notice if something is uneven, what roll is poking out, what matches and doesn't on other people and I can't let myself go out like it. When I do, I am so paranoid all day. I restart assignments - they're never good enough. When something goes wrong, I sink.

When I'm down, how do I deal? He asked me that. I lied. I call people, I said. I call people, I hang out, I go for a walk. Left out the bit about scissors. Shame. The shame I feel from it is overwhelming. Left out the bit about fantasizing an alternate life, so real I forget which is which. Left out the bit about wishing I would get hit by a car/diagnosed with something fatal/ beat up/ kidnapped so that someone would notice. Let out the bit about not eating.

I am obscenely good at lying. Obscenely. I try not too. But, I have this appearance. Straight-edge. Good-marks, involved, good at talking to people. Generally, people like me. I want nothing else more, though, than to go to a party and get drunk off my ass. To try. To make out with 10 people. And have the pictures posted on facebook the next day. No one would ever know. And I can't bring myself to do it for myself.

What a crappy first post.
Maybe I'll be back tomorrow.