Downward

Someone died yesterday night. I didn't know him, but many of my friends did.
Gets me thinking about death. About the dead. About how close I've come to killing myself over... ugh over nothing - I'm so damn selfish, cowardly. About the afterlife.

Suicide. He hung himself. Why hanging? There had to be some significance. Why'd he do it? There is a line with suicide, one no one dares to cross. Was he brave? Or was he selfish? Or was he scared - scared of what? No one will ever know. And that's the scariest thing about death, no one can say what it looks like, feels like. Every time I picture it, I feel like barfing - not out of revulsion but out of sympathy. Empathy. Admiration? No. No, not admiration.

You couldn't tell when he found out. He wasn't crying. He wasn't... It was his eyes. If you looked hard enough, the set of his mouth. "Fuck." he said. "I've known him since grade 1. I never knew he was thinking like that..."

Who could know?

Its times like these when I wish I could convince myself that there is an afterlife. A heaven. Somewhere where he could find happiness. But I can't. That makes it worse, he's just... gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. How do you come to that? Where was the last straw?

I never met the guy. Yet, my heart feels like its being constricted. Like... nothing matter anymore, because he's gone - his potential, his vitality. Why? For what? You get hugged. It makes you feel better, for some reason. The touch of another living? Convincing you you are still here.

Live it for him.
Be strong for him.
Be there for someone else.

It hurts. More than anything. More than discovering heartbreak. More than what the whore-next-door said. More than failing.

Because he was the rock on my windshield, and now everyone, everything around me is slowly shattering. How long will it take to fix? How long will it take? Can it happen? Will it happen? No. The pain never subsides. It never gives up it's hold on you.

But that is to be human.