Observations of the day:
-Drama boys smell really good.
-No scarf
-He's very skinny
-People are catching on
-I have changed
-Jelly?
So, I might as well get it out of the way 'cause he's ALL I can think of. Just makes things okay. I can't remember why, but he hugged me and usually I freak out and don't enjoy it, this time I enjoyed it a little and I figured out that he's so damn skinny. He stole my scarf, kind of unraveled it from me, and tied it around his head... and kept it there for a long time. Trying to cheer me up, or just farce? No idea. -sigh-
Then, at this party (which was pretty awesome, another one tomorrow) Jells started random-o-boxing with me. There are secrets. I am curious, I'll butcher them out tomorrow.
Listened to a friends sex-capades all night, and - no lie - am kinda jealous. Someone's convinced her she is beautiful and even though she's not skinny or particularly gorgeous, she has the real confidence.
So worried about the play at this point -about makeup and props. Ugh. No sleep.
Maybe more later, I am very tired.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Untitled
Wearing his scarf again, him and Blondie are getting close. Yeah, riddled with jealousy for a few moments. It's pretty pathetic.
I am so fascinated with the magic.
So much work. But I slept last night, it made me feel so much more alive today. I am going to sleep tonight. It'll happen. It's gotta.
Still don't have a present for tomorrow, but I'll tape tomorrow.
I'm feeling very self-concious right now. Something is wrong. Hair, skin, body. I am scared I'm going to lapse into another fad diet. Or just stop eating. Gotta remember the play. Can't do it before the play.
Something is different with me this year. I feel depressed - not sad, but disinterested. Not valuable. I am involved in all this shit and I was wondering, why? Why can't I say no?! I realized it was because I don't feel I am not worth anything decent to anyone. I have to prove myself to... myself? Justify my own existence. Odd epiphany. My work ethic is gone and it sucks.
after Alice, I am going to take a long, long walk in Fish Creek. Take some pictures. Just think. I need it. I haven't had time to be in my own mind. I think I'll tell him this. I trust him, because I know I'll never hear it again, not because I'm not weirded out by him knowing.
Just gotta go with the flow, I guess. 12 days.
I am so fascinated with the magic.
So much work. But I slept last night, it made me feel so much more alive today. I am going to sleep tonight. It'll happen. It's gotta.
Still don't have a present for tomorrow, but I'll tape tomorrow.
I'm feeling very self-concious right now. Something is wrong. Hair, skin, body. I am scared I'm going to lapse into another fad diet. Or just stop eating. Gotta remember the play. Can't do it before the play.
Something is different with me this year. I feel depressed - not sad, but disinterested. Not valuable. I am involved in all this shit and I was wondering, why? Why can't I say no?! I realized it was because I don't feel I am not worth anything decent to anyone. I have to prove myself to... myself? Justify my own existence. Odd epiphany. My work ethic is gone and it sucks.
after Alice, I am going to take a long, long walk in Fish Creek. Take some pictures. Just think. I need it. I haven't had time to be in my own mind. I think I'll tell him this. I trust him, because I know I'll never hear it again, not because I'm not weirded out by him knowing.
Just gotta go with the flow, I guess. 12 days.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Job Shadow, Sleeplessness and White
He was wearing white today - white shirt, white hoodie. And no scarf. WAY weird. Looked decent, but... it was like... woah. Odd.
Job shadow was great. Talked to lots of people, got passed around, got to help a little, learned lots of terminology, realized what a mess my script was compared to what it should be. All I can say is magnetic glue letters. Yeah. Insane trippy.
As much as I loved it, I'm now seriously reconsidering the backstage work as-a-career. Mostly because of the fact it's not a job -it's a lifestyle and I am already fighting the lifestyle as a volunteer. Maybe go into advertising, marketing, event planning etc. Or if I were to remain in theatre, I'd go for teaching instead maybe - to have some creative control. Or nursing. That's the next job shadow. A new intrest, foriegn policy. Ugh.
10hrs over the last 3 days for sleep. Hopefully tonight will be more restfull. I sure hope so.
We're doing a poety investigation right now, based on themes. I'm doing Time. Really interesting how in almost every poetic description of Time, it is linear, never ending, running parallel with us, assosiated with the Deitys. What if it wasn't? What if, without us knowing, Time is running in a circle, or there is a perpendicular bar of time somehwere. What if time, like a matrix movie, is manipulable? People base thier lifes around time, but what if you lived life and expected time to base itself around YOU.
Food for thought.
And now I'm not going to sleep again.
Job shadow was great. Talked to lots of people, got passed around, got to help a little, learned lots of terminology, realized what a mess my script was compared to what it should be. All I can say is magnetic glue letters. Yeah. Insane trippy.
As much as I loved it, I'm now seriously reconsidering the backstage work as-a-career. Mostly because of the fact it's not a job -it's a lifestyle and I am already fighting the lifestyle as a volunteer. Maybe go into advertising, marketing, event planning etc. Or if I were to remain in theatre, I'd go for teaching instead maybe - to have some creative control. Or nursing. That's the next job shadow. A new intrest, foriegn policy. Ugh.
10hrs over the last 3 days for sleep. Hopefully tonight will be more restfull. I sure hope so.
We're doing a poety investigation right now, based on themes. I'm doing Time. Really interesting how in almost every poetic description of Time, it is linear, never ending, running parallel with us, assosiated with the Deitys. What if it wasn't? What if, without us knowing, Time is running in a circle, or there is a perpendicular bar of time somehwere. What if time, like a matrix movie, is manipulable? People base thier lifes around time, but what if you lived life and expected time to base itself around YOU.
Food for thought.
And now I'm not going to sleep again.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Proud Vanity
So, Em caught on. Not sure if that's good or bad. Kinda perfect timing though, a day where I'm not there to stew over it. Ruh-roh. I remain realistic, yet sadly optimistic. -sigh-.
Job shadow tomorrow - yay! Hopefully, it'll be better than the last one. Gotta list of questions prepared and all. I LOVE Hairspray.
Daily posts for about a week, I am very proud.
Long day, everything happened -people coming out, meetings, boring classes, scary classes, obsessing, freaking out, people crying, scandals... kinda glad for a break.
Job shadow tomorrow - yay! Hopefully, it'll be better than the last one. Gotta list of questions prepared and all. I LOVE Hairspray.
Daily posts for about a week, I am very proud.
Long day, everything happened -people coming out, meetings, boring classes, scary classes, obsessing, freaking out, people crying, scandals... kinda glad for a break.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Death and Pomegranet
We've been talking all night about death, energy, souls. We understand each other. There's no one like him. No one that understands. That's why he's so tantilating, so frustrating, so different - we're the same. He's the first I've met like that. That's why.
I get it now.
I'm killing the haughtily fly
I'm gonna slash your wound just like mine.
I can't hear the voices of society anymore.
I don't understand. You're all fine hypocrites.
Shout The Joy
Your song's drenched in blood and it's full of shit.
You can't shoot the silver bullet into me.
Shout The Joy
It's the Black Flag, motherfucker!!
I wanna shout out to all the trash celebrity stars.
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'm gonna slash your wound just like mine.
I can't hear the voices of society anymore.
I Should Die!
It's the Black Flag, motherfucker!!
I wanna shout out to all the trash celebrity stars.
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
Cold Blooded
I get it now.
I'm killing the haughtily fly
I'm gonna slash your wound just like mine.
I can't hear the voices of society anymore.
I don't understand. You're all fine hypocrites.
Shout The Joy
Your song's drenched in blood and it's full of shit.
You can't shoot the silver bullet into me.
Shout The Joy
It's the Black Flag, motherfucker!!
I wanna shout out to all the trash celebrity stars.
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'm gonna slash your wound just like mine.
I can't hear the voices of society anymore.
I Should Die!
It's the Black Flag, motherfucker!!
I wanna shout out to all the trash celebrity stars.
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
I'll rape your daughter on your grave,
Cold Blooded
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Green Eyed Monster, Parties and Texts
Wow, so two long days to account for. Lets see what I can remember. First, Friday, I suppose.
It was Dallen's funeral... the thought preceded all others in my own mind - even Him, and Blondie. I still feel gut-wrenching sadness and sickness when I think of it... his memorial group is putting up photos and every time I see one I picture a rope around his neck... Poor kid. It's so weird, to think about suicide... to wonder what pushed him to it, what made him kick the chair?
He was very upset, or so it seemed. We had a very cryptic conversation... "How're you?" "Alright. You?" "Alright." "Why just alright?" "I could ask you the same thing." "I have a rather obvious reason, what's yours?" "Very similar to yours." "Oh." Haha. Wearing the scarf again. Damn. Came to school with bed head though teehee.
Blondie was being too cute again. Just so excited. Making fun. Can't tell still. Frustrating.
Bio I ate some Baily's filled chocolates... you can just taste the alcohol. I sat there watching Planet Earth hoping against hope that there would be more of that taste at the party. (Which there wasn't but thats okay).
After school was a distaster and a win. Rehearsal failed mostly because I wasn't commited to it. Without my script, I felt useless, plus there wasn't any need for me anyways we could only run 4 scenes. And those scenes were set pretty much anyways.
Em said he was lying, making an attention-grabbing sob story. No idea.
Then, Mr. E was like : I need j00 to do lights for the BBDD naow. I haven't touched lighting since, oh, last december? -sigh- Anyways, because I can't say no because I had no good reason to, I went and set up lights. Didn't fail too epicly. But, while I was up on the gym rafter handing one, he comes into the gym and joins me. We make small talk while I wait for an extension cord. It was... really odd. He had just got back from the funeral so... we skidded around the subject and just chatted. I caught him looking at me a few times. It was... odd.
The party was so fun - but awkward at first. You know when you're last to arrive, you know 1 of the 8 people there... Yeah that was me. Good thing for my theatreness, I had no problem. Got pretty rowdy after a while, sugar-high was serious. Don't even remember most of the night. I do remember Steven taking his sleeping pills and getting really high and rhyming and pretending he was a salamander... LOL. So much fun to just be a teenager and talk dirty and make jokes and drink pop and jump on people and yell and scream and pass out on the ground.
Woke up this morning at about 8am (after going to sleep at 2) and couldn't get back to sleep so I went on her computer. Was thinking about things like the urinary system, laundry, life, him, Em, other things. What would it be like to just live like this? All the time? Just be your average 75%, party going, commitmentless, working kid. No 10hrs of theatre every week, no volunteering hours, no 87% on double unit finals, no clubs. What would it be like? I am not sure I really want to find out.
When everyone else finally got up at 11, I was getting ready to go. More cupcakes.
Today, well, was a waste. I didn't do much. Mostly 'cause I was wallowing. Having a bad self-esteem day due to soreness, crap food from yesterday and the fact that even my least desirable friends are hooking up with people and they look so HAPPY. I don't understand why I don't ever have anyone. Why no one is interested. I'm not saying I'm a great catch... so OCD, controlling, type A, undecided, busy... but why can't anyone... ugh. Its so depressing to think that... never. I wish someone would come up to me and tell me what to do. High school isn't all about guys, but I don't want to be remembered as the girl who never dated. Reputation.
I'm so jealous. Are they real? Fake? What is the secret to finding love? What is the secret?! WHAT IS THE SECRET?!?!
It was Dallen's funeral... the thought preceded all others in my own mind - even Him, and Blondie. I still feel gut-wrenching sadness and sickness when I think of it... his memorial group is putting up photos and every time I see one I picture a rope around his neck... Poor kid. It's so weird, to think about suicide... to wonder what pushed him to it, what made him kick the chair?
He was very upset, or so it seemed. We had a very cryptic conversation... "How're you?" "Alright. You?" "Alright." "Why just alright?" "I could ask you the same thing." "I have a rather obvious reason, what's yours?" "Very similar to yours." "Oh." Haha. Wearing the scarf again. Damn. Came to school with bed head though teehee.
Blondie was being too cute again. Just so excited. Making fun. Can't tell still. Frustrating.
Bio I ate some Baily's filled chocolates... you can just taste the alcohol. I sat there watching Planet Earth hoping against hope that there would be more of that taste at the party. (Which there wasn't but thats okay).
After school was a distaster and a win. Rehearsal failed mostly because I wasn't commited to it. Without my script, I felt useless, plus there wasn't any need for me anyways we could only run 4 scenes. And those scenes were set pretty much anyways.
Em said he was lying, making an attention-grabbing sob story. No idea.
Then, Mr. E was like : I need j00 to do lights for the BBDD naow. I haven't touched lighting since, oh, last december? -sigh- Anyways, because I can't say no because I had no good reason to, I went and set up lights. Didn't fail too epicly. But, while I was up on the gym rafter handing one, he comes into the gym and joins me. We make small talk while I wait for an extension cord. It was... really odd. He had just got back from the funeral so... we skidded around the subject and just chatted. I caught him looking at me a few times. It was... odd.
The party was so fun - but awkward at first. You know when you're last to arrive, you know 1 of the 8 people there... Yeah that was me. Good thing for my theatreness, I had no problem. Got pretty rowdy after a while, sugar-high was serious. Don't even remember most of the night. I do remember Steven taking his sleeping pills and getting really high and rhyming and pretending he was a salamander... LOL. So much fun to just be a teenager and talk dirty and make jokes and drink pop and jump on people and yell and scream and pass out on the ground.
Woke up this morning at about 8am (after going to sleep at 2) and couldn't get back to sleep so I went on her computer. Was thinking about things like the urinary system, laundry, life, him, Em, other things. What would it be like to just live like this? All the time? Just be your average 75%, party going, commitmentless, working kid. No 10hrs of theatre every week, no volunteering hours, no 87% on double unit finals, no clubs. What would it be like? I am not sure I really want to find out.
When everyone else finally got up at 11, I was getting ready to go. More cupcakes.
Today, well, was a waste. I didn't do much. Mostly 'cause I was wallowing. Having a bad self-esteem day due to soreness, crap food from yesterday and the fact that even my least desirable friends are hooking up with people and they look so HAPPY. I don't understand why I don't ever have anyone. Why no one is interested. I'm not saying I'm a great catch... so OCD, controlling, type A, undecided, busy... but why can't anyone... ugh. Its so depressing to think that... never. I wish someone would come up to me and tell me what to do. High school isn't all about guys, but I don't want to be remembered as the girl who never dated. Reputation.
I'm so jealous. Are they real? Fake? What is the secret to finding love? What is the secret?! WHAT IS THE SECRET?!?!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Basic, 9. 5 pH
It's getting okay.
Got a damn 87% on the Bio test. Decent. Should up my mark, thank god.
Got home today and saw that my room had been cleaned and arranged. Usually it pisses me off, but everything was findable just rearranged. That's the difference between Mom & Dad. He shoves random things in random drawers, she organizes. Ugh. Whatever. I enjoy it. Its nice and spacey. But claustrophobic at the same time - too orderly. It was kinda freaking me out at first, but I'm over it now.
Skipped CBD again, but got marked "here" for it ;P Skills indeed.
Lets see... nothing to report in English besides overall feelings of annoyance. Same in tech. So damn tired of this play. I have things to do tomorrow though, thank god. REMEMBER to go through list and see what we need made. Make it. Clean.
Lunch was diversity potluck. Not gonna lie, I wanted to be in the greenroom.
Multimedia was embarrassing as hell on toast. For one, I did all this work only to realize it was WRONG OH. Tomorrow I gotta take pictures, not gonna bother outlining now. No time. Maybe I will though. I'm stubborn like that. Anyways, so I'm asking Mr.B a question and he's all "Maybe you'd know what to do if you weren't flirting with the whole back row. lolololol" Of course, /I/ am so NOT to one flirting and CERTAINLY not with the whole back row. Ugh. Oh of course the entire class got to hear. Perfect. Didn't catch Blondie's or his reaction. Perfect.
Bio was fantastic because of the news (did I mention? 87% on a double-unit final!), not because of the monotonous work. Rawr rawr rawr rawr.
Tomorrow will be AMAZING. I can FEEL it.
So, along with the cleanup, I got the new Macleans. So not helpful. At least not yet, I have yet to proporly read it. What is helpful is the UBC "What can I do with my Major?" pages. So far top 3 choices are: Nursing, Exhibit Designer (theatre AND history? geek-gasm), or Event Planner/ International Relations Rep. All over the place? NOOOO.
See what I think would be really cool would be either the joining major in theatre-tech and history for a Bachelor of Arts or a joining Nursing-International Relations for a Applied Bachelor of Science in Nursing. If only, eh? But maybe if I get my International Certificate, I will 'get' that. Faaaacckkkk.
Was wondering what being apart of a hive-mind would be like. Would you be full-fledged drones? Have no individual thought? For the good of the colony? Wouldn't society crumble? How long before a glitch in the machine? Blue or red pill?
Still, good day. Good night.
Got a damn 87% on the Bio test. Decent. Should up my mark, thank god.
Got home today and saw that my room had been cleaned and arranged. Usually it pisses me off, but everything was findable just rearranged. That's the difference between Mom & Dad. He shoves random things in random drawers, she organizes. Ugh. Whatever. I enjoy it. Its nice and spacey. But claustrophobic at the same time - too orderly. It was kinda freaking me out at first, but I'm over it now.
Skipped CBD again, but got marked "here" for it ;P Skills indeed.
Lets see... nothing to report in English besides overall feelings of annoyance. Same in tech. So damn tired of this play. I have things to do tomorrow though, thank god. REMEMBER to go through list and see what we need made. Make it. Clean.
Lunch was diversity potluck. Not gonna lie, I wanted to be in the greenroom.
Multimedia was embarrassing as hell on toast. For one, I did all this work only to realize it was WRONG OH. Tomorrow I gotta take pictures, not gonna bother outlining now. No time. Maybe I will though. I'm stubborn like that. Anyways, so I'm asking Mr.B a question and he's all "Maybe you'd know what to do if you weren't flirting with the whole back row. lolololol" Of course, /I/ am so NOT to one flirting and CERTAINLY not with the whole back row. Ugh. Oh of course the entire class got to hear. Perfect. Didn't catch Blondie's or his reaction. Perfect.
Bio was fantastic because of the news (did I mention? 87% on a double-unit final!), not because of the monotonous work. Rawr rawr rawr rawr.
Tomorrow will be AMAZING. I can FEEL it.
So, along with the cleanup, I got the new Macleans. So not helpful. At least not yet, I have yet to proporly read it. What is helpful is the UBC "What can I do with my Major?" pages. So far top 3 choices are: Nursing, Exhibit Designer (theatre AND history? geek-gasm), or Event Planner/ International Relations Rep. All over the place? NOOOO.
See what I think would be really cool would be either the joining major in theatre-tech and history for a Bachelor of Arts or a joining Nursing-International Relations for a Applied Bachelor of Science in Nursing. If only, eh? But maybe if I get my International Certificate, I will 'get' that. Faaaacckkkk.
Was wondering what being apart of a hive-mind would be like. Would you be full-fledged drones? Have no individual thought? For the good of the colony? Wouldn't society crumble? How long before a glitch in the machine? Blue or red pill?
Still, good day. Good night.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Neutral , ph 7.0
Neutral. Good and bad. Today was long, it was the Gr.9 open house; I just got home. Today was great because of hanging with friends and not having any homework. Again, when I go to start this note all I can think of is... him, well, him and Blondie and Army (no interest).
But, again, I will suppress the urge.
Morning was early. Had to set up again, but I was expected too, so that's okay. Talked to him and Army for a bit. He was off, I think. Again, I'm so wrong always.
English was fine, we're doing poetry. I don't particularly enjoy poetry but it was alright. We had to write a list poem. Here's what I wrote. Titled Humanity.
Humanity is
deformed beauty,
black eyes,
deaf ears,
silent tongues and
purple skin
Humanity is
questionable trust,
vain innocence,
intelligent insolence,
overwhelming power; a
grotesque humour
Humanity is
social hypocrisy,
media's truth,
perfect science,
moral sin; an
absolute math
Humanity is
right and wrong,
ever changing,
never changing,
life and death,
then and now.
I'm kinda proud, whatever.
Boring, boring, boring lunch.
Multimedia. Oh. my. god. Could those two be any more confusing? "It's because you're so gorgeous - straight face-." "You already hate me." "I love you.". Mean what you god damn say. If you don't don't say anything because it makes my mind twirl. Blondie was being more than adorable, once again. He is, albeit annoying and immature, perfectly handsome and intelligent.
I think I did decent on my bio test, no more to report there.
After school. Wow. Honestly, skip right to getting back to school. Apparently Hatter is planning to full cast prank me. I don't know if it's infatuation or mischievousness, either way it's making me nerrrvvoousss. Now that I know him, he's not creepy any more.
He can sing. Wow, can he sing. All I can say is: Tie. i don't even care if there is nothing behind it, if we're friends. Honest bandit, I don't care.
On a less school related note: Found AoM game and Titans expansion. Happy making. 1 more sleep 'till party. Hopefully I'm not too sick. I really need to get to Chiro too. He noticed when I lost my balance while stationary today - haha. Happens when I a; am having back problems, b; am super tired, or c; iron is low (immune system death). Or, in the right-now case. D; all of the above.
-sigh- A waiting another sleepless night.
But, again, I will suppress the urge.
Morning was early. Had to set up again, but I was expected too, so that's okay. Talked to him and Army for a bit. He was off, I think. Again, I'm so wrong always.
English was fine, we're doing poetry. I don't particularly enjoy poetry but it was alright. We had to write a list poem. Here's what I wrote. Titled Humanity.
Humanity is
deformed beauty,
black eyes,
deaf ears,
silent tongues and
purple skin
Humanity is
questionable trust,
vain innocence,
intelligent insolence,
overwhelming power; a
grotesque humour
Humanity is
social hypocrisy,
media's truth,
perfect science,
moral sin; an
absolute math
Humanity is
right and wrong,
ever changing,
never changing,
life and death,
then and now.
I'm kinda proud, whatever.
Boring, boring, boring lunch.
Multimedia. Oh. my. god. Could those two be any more confusing? "It's because you're so gorgeous - straight face-." "You already hate me." "I love you.". Mean what you god damn say. If you don't don't say anything because it makes my mind twirl. Blondie was being more than adorable, once again. He is, albeit annoying and immature, perfectly handsome and intelligent.
I think I did decent on my bio test, no more to report there.
After school. Wow. Honestly, skip right to getting back to school. Apparently Hatter is planning to full cast prank me. I don't know if it's infatuation or mischievousness, either way it's making me nerrrvvoousss. Now that I know him, he's not creepy any more.
He can sing. Wow, can he sing. All I can say is: Tie. i don't even care if there is nothing behind it, if we're friends. Honest bandit, I don't care.
On a less school related note: Found AoM game and Titans expansion. Happy making. 1 more sleep 'till party. Hopefully I'm not too sick. I really need to get to Chiro too. He noticed when I lost my balance while stationary today - haha. Happens when I a; am having back problems, b; am super tired, or c; iron is low (immune system death). Or, in the right-now case. D; all of the above.
-sigh- A waiting another sleepless night.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Basic
Is it sad that when I think about the day, all I can think of immediately is what he did/ what he said? Its pretty pathetic. I'll talk about other things first.
Early morning tech setup for today and tommorow. Mr. Watson basically walked in on me skipping his precious CBD and sighed, asking me for a favor. He needed me even though I was disregarding his waste-of-time class. Sweet revenge. Set everything up for him, calm and cool, then went right back to skipping the class. Hilarious.
People in -1 are unbelievably missing. Most of them are intelligent. Most of them are moderately well read. Few have a work ethic. Its frustrating. And I am so frustrated with the new teacher that I can barely stand the class anymore.
Double unit final tommorow in Bio. I think I'll be good. I should be studying though. I need that class, but at the same time... I don't care. I'm beyond caring. All my energy is devoted to Alice (which, in truth, I am getting tired of) and to this whole drama. Ugh.
SJC is becoming a fool. I'm starting to realise in my own mind... why most of my age don't DO anything - clubs, after-school activities. It takes a toll after a while. Oh well.
Someone crossed the line today, being /mad/ at the poor kid who hung himself. She sputtered,
"I'm just so mad with him... why.... what a dick move... yeah things get bad, but we gotta suck it up!" Its true, some people don't understand. Some people have never been so close. Are they cowards? Are they self-less? Are they close-minded?
So, now to him. He barely talked to me today, via text or otherwise. He wasn't wearing the scarf. Is it a bad sign? Or was he wearing all black out of respect? I hope answer A, though I doubt it. Didn't see him in the morning. Didn't see him at lunch. Blondie was between us in class, and he is being... adorable. I'm not sure how I feel about Blondie right now. He's either trying too hard to cheer me up (as a friend), or he's flirting, or he's playing (as a friend). 2/3 says it doens't matter. 2/2 I've been wrong in interpretting so far, so I'm not pursuing it - unless something happens.
In my own mind, I wish I could read minds. Find out how people are really thinking. No use for masks. No use for fear.
Basic. Thats the title of this. Why? Because it, life, isn't acidic like yesterday. Maybe I'll start rating each blog by pH. Lower is most acidic. Higher is more basic. Mid point 7. Hahaha
Can't wait for Friday - Kayla's party. Sleepover. Seriously, I can't freaking wait because there is POSSIBILITY of scandal. Of drinking. Of shamelessness after a long week. Can't wait.
OH! He wanted me to ACT in his movie! As a serious person. Yeah right. I'm not an actor. Though I wish I were, because then I could spend time together with him, learn more. This whole thing is more of an admirable facsination, I think, than a crush. He baffels me.
pH rating 7.5
Early morning tech setup for today and tommorow. Mr. Watson basically walked in on me skipping his precious CBD and sighed, asking me for a favor. He needed me even though I was disregarding his waste-of-time class. Sweet revenge. Set everything up for him, calm and cool, then went right back to skipping the class. Hilarious.
People in -1 are unbelievably missing. Most of them are intelligent. Most of them are moderately well read. Few have a work ethic. Its frustrating. And I am so frustrated with the new teacher that I can barely stand the class anymore.
Double unit final tommorow in Bio. I think I'll be good. I should be studying though. I need that class, but at the same time... I don't care. I'm beyond caring. All my energy is devoted to Alice (which, in truth, I am getting tired of) and to this whole drama. Ugh.
SJC is becoming a fool. I'm starting to realise in my own mind... why most of my age don't DO anything - clubs, after-school activities. It takes a toll after a while. Oh well.
Someone crossed the line today, being /mad/ at the poor kid who hung himself. She sputtered,
"I'm just so mad with him... why.... what a dick move... yeah things get bad, but we gotta suck it up!" Its true, some people don't understand. Some people have never been so close. Are they cowards? Are they self-less? Are they close-minded?
So, now to him. He barely talked to me today, via text or otherwise. He wasn't wearing the scarf. Is it a bad sign? Or was he wearing all black out of respect? I hope answer A, though I doubt it. Didn't see him in the morning. Didn't see him at lunch. Blondie was between us in class, and he is being... adorable. I'm not sure how I feel about Blondie right now. He's either trying too hard to cheer me up (as a friend), or he's flirting, or he's playing (as a friend). 2/3 says it doens't matter. 2/2 I've been wrong in interpretting so far, so I'm not pursuing it - unless something happens.
In my own mind, I wish I could read minds. Find out how people are really thinking. No use for masks. No use for fear.
Basic. Thats the title of this. Why? Because it, life, isn't acidic like yesterday. Maybe I'll start rating each blog by pH. Lower is most acidic. Higher is more basic. Mid point 7. Hahaha
Can't wait for Friday - Kayla's party. Sleepover. Seriously, I can't freaking wait because there is POSSIBILITY of scandal. Of drinking. Of shamelessness after a long week. Can't wait.
OH! He wanted me to ACT in his movie! As a serious person. Yeah right. I'm not an actor. Though I wish I were, because then I could spend time together with him, learn more. This whole thing is more of an admirable facsination, I think, than a crush. He baffels me.
pH rating 7.5
Monday, November 17, 2008
Compassion
Maybe he gets it from experience.
Maybe he cares.
Maybe he lies.
But, really, he makes everything feel better.
Maybe he cares.
Maybe he lies.
But, really, he makes everything feel better.
Downward
Someone died yesterday night. I didn't know him, but many of my friends did.
Gets me thinking about death. About the dead. About how close I've come to killing myself over... ugh over nothing - I'm so damn selfish, cowardly. About the afterlife.
Suicide. He hung himself. Why hanging? There had to be some significance. Why'd he do it? There is a line with suicide, one no one dares to cross. Was he brave? Or was he selfish? Or was he scared - scared of what? No one will ever know. And that's the scariest thing about death, no one can say what it looks like, feels like. Every time I picture it, I feel like barfing - not out of revulsion but out of sympathy. Empathy. Admiration? No. No, not admiration.
You couldn't tell when he found out. He wasn't crying. He wasn't... It was his eyes. If you looked hard enough, the set of his mouth. "Fuck." he said. "I've known him since grade 1. I never knew he was thinking like that..."
Who could know?
Its times like these when I wish I could convince myself that there is an afterlife. A heaven. Somewhere where he could find happiness. But I can't. That makes it worse, he's just... gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. How do you come to that? Where was the last straw?
I never met the guy. Yet, my heart feels like its being constricted. Like... nothing matter anymore, because he's gone - his potential, his vitality. Why? For what? You get hugged. It makes you feel better, for some reason. The touch of another living? Convincing you you are still here.
Live it for him.
Be strong for him.
Be there for someone else.
It hurts. More than anything. More than discovering heartbreak. More than what the whore-next-door said. More than failing.
Because he was the rock on my windshield, and now everyone, everything around me is slowly shattering. How long will it take to fix? How long will it take? Can it happen? Will it happen? No. The pain never subsides. It never gives up it's hold on you.
But that is to be human.
Gets me thinking about death. About the dead. About how close I've come to killing myself over... ugh over nothing - I'm so damn selfish, cowardly. About the afterlife.
Suicide. He hung himself. Why hanging? There had to be some significance. Why'd he do it? There is a line with suicide, one no one dares to cross. Was he brave? Or was he selfish? Or was he scared - scared of what? No one will ever know. And that's the scariest thing about death, no one can say what it looks like, feels like. Every time I picture it, I feel like barfing - not out of revulsion but out of sympathy. Empathy. Admiration? No. No, not admiration.
You couldn't tell when he found out. He wasn't crying. He wasn't... It was his eyes. If you looked hard enough, the set of his mouth. "Fuck." he said. "I've known him since grade 1. I never knew he was thinking like that..."
Who could know?
Its times like these when I wish I could convince myself that there is an afterlife. A heaven. Somewhere where he could find happiness. But I can't. That makes it worse, he's just... gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. How do you come to that? Where was the last straw?
I never met the guy. Yet, my heart feels like its being constricted. Like... nothing matter anymore, because he's gone - his potential, his vitality. Why? For what? You get hugged. It makes you feel better, for some reason. The touch of another living? Convincing you you are still here.
Live it for him.
Be strong for him.
Be there for someone else.
It hurts. More than anything. More than discovering heartbreak. More than what the whore-next-door said. More than failing.
Because he was the rock on my windshield, and now everyone, everything around me is slowly shattering. How long will it take to fix? How long will it take? Can it happen? Will it happen? No. The pain never subsides. It never gives up it's hold on you.
But that is to be human.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Better
Tonight is going way better than this morning.
Why? No idea. I just feel as though the silver lining is back. I don't know what the lining is, but it's back. He's still texting me. He's the only one that does. Makes me imagine I'm important to him somehow, even though I know I'm not, but that's alright. Just talking makes it feel less painful.
I really regret not taking up piano after Canmore. I didn't like it, but I wished I had. I love music and I feel almost a failure to art, music, that I can't make my own. I think I will try and teach myself the theory, I know I have a book on it somewhere.
I was productive tonight, which is good. Got through my script, which I should have done ages ago. Did my bonus in Bio - that class depresses me so. I love it. I am fascinated by it. Why can't I get good marks in it? Oh yeah, because I have no time/ energy to study for it.
Multimedia. Ugh. The only reason I like it is because I can zone out. Or I can talk to two of the most influential people in my life right now. Either or, makes for a good class. 'Cept I can never abide deadlines. No time. No focus. No ideas. No creativity. There is always a problem.
Sometimes I wish I could trade all my organizational skill, all my mediokre knowledge for some damn applicable talent. Singing. Dancing. Writing. SOMETHING. Of course, nothing. I am doomed to be a good organizer. Yay.
Funny, this is me feeling better about myself.
Why? No idea. I just feel as though the silver lining is back. I don't know what the lining is, but it's back. He's still texting me. He's the only one that does. Makes me imagine I'm important to him somehow, even though I know I'm not, but that's alright. Just talking makes it feel less painful.
I really regret not taking up piano after Canmore. I didn't like it, but I wished I had. I love music and I feel almost a failure to art, music, that I can't make my own. I think I will try and teach myself the theory, I know I have a book on it somewhere.
I was productive tonight, which is good. Got through my script, which I should have done ages ago. Did my bonus in Bio - that class depresses me so. I love it. I am fascinated by it. Why can't I get good marks in it? Oh yeah, because I have no time/ energy to study for it.
Multimedia. Ugh. The only reason I like it is because I can zone out. Or I can talk to two of the most influential people in my life right now. Either or, makes for a good class. 'Cept I can never abide deadlines. No time. No focus. No ideas. No creativity. There is always a problem.
Sometimes I wish I could trade all my organizational skill, all my mediokre knowledge for some damn applicable talent. Singing. Dancing. Writing. SOMETHING. Of course, nothing. I am doomed to be a good organizer. Yay.
Funny, this is me feeling better about myself.
Early Morning
Its early.
I don't know why I've made another one of these.
I always just end up adding blogs to a list of failed methods of self-betterment.
Oh well.
So much drama has happened. She likes him, he adores her, he doesn't know, she couldn't care less.
It's her fault. It's his fault. It's my fault.
I watched his magic tricks video twice. So much for forgetting him and leaving him be.
Why do I get so easily attached to people? I know too well the pain of being wrong, being shotdown, being untouchable. Unclassic heartbreak. He's worried about being alone, not having anyone there for him? I've never had anyone there.
Times like this make me feel. Sad, talentless, ugly, annoyed. But feel. I remember, back in Jr. high, when I was /so/ happy. Hyper. Carefree. Fake. The energy, the foul-mindedness was immaturity. I was OCD. I am OCD.
I spend an hour in the morning picking out an outfit for the weather, for my meetings, for who's going to be at rehearsal. I notice if something is uneven, what roll is poking out, what matches and doesn't on other people and I can't let myself go out like it. When I do, I am so paranoid all day. I restart assignments - they're never good enough. When something goes wrong, I sink.
When I'm down, how do I deal? He asked me that. I lied. I call people, I said. I call people, I hang out, I go for a walk. Left out the bit about scissors. Shame. The shame I feel from it is overwhelming. Left out the bit about fantasizing an alternate life, so real I forget which is which. Left out the bit about wishing I would get hit by a car/diagnosed with something fatal/ beat up/ kidnapped so that someone would notice. Let out the bit about not eating.
I am obscenely good at lying. Obscenely. I try not too. But, I have this appearance. Straight-edge. Good-marks, involved, good at talking to people. Generally, people like me. I want nothing else more, though, than to go to a party and get drunk off my ass. To try. To make out with 10 people. And have the pictures posted on facebook the next day. No one would ever know. And I can't bring myself to do it for myself.
What a crappy first post.
Maybe I'll be back tomorrow.
I don't know why I've made another one of these.
I always just end up adding blogs to a list of failed methods of self-betterment.
Oh well.
So much drama has happened. She likes him, he adores her, he doesn't know, she couldn't care less.
It's her fault. It's his fault. It's my fault.
I watched his magic tricks video twice. So much for forgetting him and leaving him be.
Why do I get so easily attached to people? I know too well the pain of being wrong, being shotdown, being untouchable. Unclassic heartbreak. He's worried about being alone, not having anyone there for him? I've never had anyone there.
Times like this make me feel. Sad, talentless, ugly, annoyed. But feel. I remember, back in Jr. high, when I was /so/ happy. Hyper. Carefree. Fake. The energy, the foul-mindedness was immaturity. I was OCD. I am OCD.
I spend an hour in the morning picking out an outfit for the weather, for my meetings, for who's going to be at rehearsal. I notice if something is uneven, what roll is poking out, what matches and doesn't on other people and I can't let myself go out like it. When I do, I am so paranoid all day. I restart assignments - they're never good enough. When something goes wrong, I sink.
When I'm down, how do I deal? He asked me that. I lied. I call people, I said. I call people, I hang out, I go for a walk. Left out the bit about scissors. Shame. The shame I feel from it is overwhelming. Left out the bit about fantasizing an alternate life, so real I forget which is which. Left out the bit about wishing I would get hit by a car/diagnosed with something fatal/ beat up/ kidnapped so that someone would notice. Let out the bit about not eating.
I am obscenely good at lying. Obscenely. I try not too. But, I have this appearance. Straight-edge. Good-marks, involved, good at talking to people. Generally, people like me. I want nothing else more, though, than to go to a party and get drunk off my ass. To try. To make out with 10 people. And have the pictures posted on facebook the next day. No one would ever know. And I can't bring myself to do it for myself.
What a crappy first post.
Maybe I'll be back tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)