That's what I am. My friends, my guy friends, are dieting. They don't need to. They're cute already, they don't need to lose weight at all. It's got me thinking about my motives again. It's hard to explain because I know there are two sets of reasons.
I had a bad eating day today - fries and grilled asaparagus & feta cheese pizza. It could have been worse though. I've been keeping close track of intake and actual exercise tho, and I've been doing well. Healthy, I guess. Which, right now, is okay. When I get in the mindset... that won't be good enough. I can hear it in the pack of my mind right now - that mentality, but it's quiet and easy to ignore.
Also, the whole thing with the friendly sex was a joke, apparently. Which is kindof sad, but whatever. Apparently I'm up for nomination on grad date though - which would make me so happy. I hate that I can't be the ideal for anyone. His is short and blonde. That's what he likes. Well, shit. Tall, brown.
I know why I don't have a boyfriend - it's cause I hang around with guys. Among other things...
But I can't stop that. I don't have any close girlfriends. Fuck.
I'm having problems resting. I sleep. I sleep for HOURS. But I don't rest. My mind is going crazy.
School starts soon, and I am ready for it mentally, but not actually physically as far as having my readings done and everything ready. But that's alright. I want to apply for a job too - I need money so bad. I'd work at Starbucks, the Oldfolks home, Winners, Reitmans, Chapters...job hunting would be a good thing. I kind of want to stay away from food establishments, but at the same time I find myself resisting most at those. We'll see. There's a Jugo Juice going up too, and I'd so work there.
Had an okay day, I think.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Back
Jamaica was wonderful - my tan is gorgeous, and I am actually loving how I look right now. It's weird.
But I'm still careful. I am eating - about 1000cals a day on a good day, but exercising so it levels out to approx 600-800cals. Which is fine, whatever. I didn't gain anything in Jamaica, despite the over eating, which I am very happy about! Didn't lose anything either, but that's alright too.
I'm in a coming-to-terms-with-it mind set right now. I know what I'm doing and I know how to control it. So we're good.
On another note, one of my guy friends I have been falling for a little. He's so charming and handsome and talented, I thought about him while I was away and I realized I actually liked him. I know he doesn't like me like that, which hurts a little, but that's okay. I saw him tonight and apparently he wants to lose his Vcard before going to university because he doesn't want it to way on his mind. Apparently, he was going to ask me, someone he trusts as a friend, if I would have sex with him and we could both lose our virginity in a non-damaging way. He didn't ask me yet, but it got me thinking... what would I say? How awkward would it be...
And I think i'd say yes.
=O
But I'm still careful. I am eating - about 1000cals a day on a good day, but exercising so it levels out to approx 600-800cals. Which is fine, whatever. I didn't gain anything in Jamaica, despite the over eating, which I am very happy about! Didn't lose anything either, but that's alright too.
I'm in a coming-to-terms-with-it mind set right now. I know what I'm doing and I know how to control it. So we're good.
On another note, one of my guy friends I have been falling for a little. He's so charming and handsome and talented, I thought about him while I was away and I realized I actually liked him. I know he doesn't like me like that, which hurts a little, but that's okay. I saw him tonight and apparently he wants to lose his Vcard before going to university because he doesn't want it to way on his mind. Apparently, he was going to ask me, someone he trusts as a friend, if I would have sex with him and we could both lose our virginity in a non-damaging way. He didn't ask me yet, but it got me thinking... what would I say? How awkward would it be...
And I think i'd say yes.
=O
Jamaican blogpost
It took a while to get used to the idea that I’m actually here – in Jamaica. Something felt too homey, I was already ready to go home the moment I got here, because I felt at home. My problems followed me…. fights, school anxiety, my hate…my body image followed too… but was about 2 days behind. I over-ate deserts and stuff but didn’t really care. It caught up with me. I’ve been drinking a TON of water to counteract the virgin (and non-virgin…mmmm) pinia coladas and strawberry daiquiris.
The first 2 days I didn’t really care about what I ate… Now I am starting to. Half of my plate is fruit and veggies at all meals, fish/chicken – no steak, no cheese, no milk, yogurt at breakfast, eggs, avoiding pasta. Oh, and no fruit juice – it’s all sugar. For deserts, one plate only. Slice of cheesecake, or chocolate mouse. I can’t fast here… that’s silly.
The gym is nice, went snorkling, rowing… swimming. Didn’t burn a lot, but being in the sun and drinking ice water today helped a little. I will gain weight again, but the parents are planning on doing a “cleanse”, so low-cal, fat-free foods will flood in and I can be on the cleanse too…lets just say it’ll be easy to get by.
It’s very sad that this is all I can talk about right now.
Jamaica is beautiful, now that I have become accustomed to it. I’m realising. My other worries and fears slipping away to oblivion as I realise… hell, I’m IN THE CARIBEEAN. I’ve wanted to be here forever. I love it. I can do ANYTHING I want, all day.
My parents are trying to make me socialise with the other tourists…. but I’m here to relax, right? I’m an introvert by nature, imagine that. Shy, quiet, and I prefer being ALONE to being with people and talking and starting conversation. So… to truly relax, I lapse into my true nature. Solidarity. So, they can deal.
I don’t feel good writing this, in my hotel room, on day 3 of Jamaica trip. I feel like a failure to myself because I let this follow me. But it’s here now, so what can I do?
I’m enjoying myself, now especially that I’ve tanned a bit - it makes me look slimmer. :D I have abs now too, it’s great.
I don’t know how to end this post… its kindof how I feel now, actually. It’s like I know in 3 days I’m leaving and going back to Calgary – where it’s cold, where my mirror proclaims what I’m working for, where my friends are fighting, where school and grades and teachers are constant. But… I’m okay with that.
Tunnel vision –one end is just the past…. including the first 2 days, the last hours, minutes…. and the other is back home, emotionally and physically- and I’m somewhere in the middle.
The first 2 days I didn’t really care about what I ate… Now I am starting to. Half of my plate is fruit and veggies at all meals, fish/chicken – no steak, no cheese, no milk, yogurt at breakfast, eggs, avoiding pasta. Oh, and no fruit juice – it’s all sugar. For deserts, one plate only. Slice of cheesecake, or chocolate mouse. I can’t fast here… that’s silly.
The gym is nice, went snorkling, rowing… swimming. Didn’t burn a lot, but being in the sun and drinking ice water today helped a little. I will gain weight again, but the parents are planning on doing a “cleanse”, so low-cal, fat-free foods will flood in and I can be on the cleanse too…lets just say it’ll be easy to get by.
It’s very sad that this is all I can talk about right now.
Jamaica is beautiful, now that I have become accustomed to it. I’m realising. My other worries and fears slipping away to oblivion as I realise… hell, I’m IN THE CARIBEEAN. I’ve wanted to be here forever. I love it. I can do ANYTHING I want, all day.
My parents are trying to make me socialise with the other tourists…. but I’m here to relax, right? I’m an introvert by nature, imagine that. Shy, quiet, and I prefer being ALONE to being with people and talking and starting conversation. So… to truly relax, I lapse into my true nature. Solidarity. So, they can deal.
I don’t feel good writing this, in my hotel room, on day 3 of Jamaica trip. I feel like a failure to myself because I let this follow me. But it’s here now, so what can I do?
I’m enjoying myself, now especially that I’ve tanned a bit - it makes me look slimmer. :D I have abs now too, it’s great.
I don’t know how to end this post… its kindof how I feel now, actually. It’s like I know in 3 days I’m leaving and going back to Calgary – where it’s cold, where my mirror proclaims what I’m working for, where my friends are fighting, where school and grades and teachers are constant. But… I’m okay with that.
Tunnel vision –one end is just the past…. including the first 2 days, the last hours, minutes…. and the other is back home, emotionally and physically- and I’m somewhere in the middle.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
UPDATE!!!
Weight: 130
Lost: 3ilbs
Goal: 125
Left: 5ilbs
BMI: 19.2
Timeline: 18days, so just over 2 weeks. :D Perfectly healthy times.
FUCK YEAH. Happy dance.
Lost: 3ilbs
Goal: 125
Left: 5ilbs
BMI: 19.2
Timeline: 18days, so just over 2 weeks. :D Perfectly healthy times.
FUCK YEAH. Happy dance.
Logic
Logic is winning, three days in a row now.
Not sure how I feel about it. Neutral, I guess because I'm in the mindset of "YOU'RE FINE." It's weird. I ate a normal sized amount of food (tuna samich & diet coke & half a candy bar) and felt BLOATED. Full, done. It was weird because just 2 weeks ago, that much food is what I would eat regularly. Kind of disgusting.
Even when I'm here, in the "you're fine", logical mind set I'm still obsessing over calories and health. Like, for lunch we went to a cafe. What I wanted was perogies. Yeah. Cheese (fat), potato (empty calories), onion. Fried. Instead I was going to have a veggie quasadilla w/ chips. I got to the counter with my Diet coke and saw whole-wheat tuna w/ celery sandwiches (minimal mayonaise). Without even thinking I go for the whole wheat (healthy), tuna (low cal, protien) and celery (no cal). I get a nanimo bar to share with a friend.
When I was done, I felt sick and guilty - but I didn't purge. Felt like it, but didn't. Drank lots of water. I've been doing good with exercising. Speaking of which, its almost sundown - I should go for a walk.
I'm so looking forward to FRUIT and FRESH VEGGIES and low-fat yogurt in Jamaica. Countless pool hours/ ocean hours. 1hr in the ocean = about 360 cals. Crazy, right? I'm so excited. I plan to not be selfconcious because I know I'm losing as I go. I think that's why logic is winning - because there is a plan for a fast. :D
Can't wait to get away, for this exam to be over so that I can put this crap shoot semester behind me and start one that WILL be amazing, albeit hard and tedious. But I have plans. It'll work, I know it.
I'm going to disappear from everyone's lives, from this drama, from this city, from this room, from this blog for 6 days. I love it because it's opportunity.
I just can't figure out where to hid my pills when we go. I'm not going to stop taking them... even though they can't be working. Energy, right? Lipo6 is what they're called. I can take up to 3 a day, but logic only allows 2. They do give energy, though I think they're messing with my sleep.
Ohwell. Off to play on tetris and study bio. STUDY. I'll go for a walk when it's dark, that way it's cold. Burns more.
It's sad to think my life is this obsession now. It's replaced him. I'm perfectly fine, infact I am proud of it. I have something to focus on now.
Devan knows, as does Oce. During times when I'm freaking out, logic makes a move so people realise. It's annoying, but I know how to watch myself. It'll be fine.
I know just what to say.
I'm an excellent liar.
If I stay a good friend, a good student, someone who is involved and helps everyone... I should be able to do something for myself, right? This is it. Thin, healthy. That's what I want. Only 7 pounds to go.
Not sure how I feel about it. Neutral, I guess because I'm in the mindset of "YOU'RE FINE." It's weird. I ate a normal sized amount of food (tuna samich & diet coke & half a candy bar) and felt BLOATED. Full, done. It was weird because just 2 weeks ago, that much food is what I would eat regularly. Kind of disgusting.
Even when I'm here, in the "you're fine", logical mind set I'm still obsessing over calories and health. Like, for lunch we went to a cafe. What I wanted was perogies. Yeah. Cheese (fat), potato (empty calories), onion. Fried. Instead I was going to have a veggie quasadilla w/ chips. I got to the counter with my Diet coke and saw whole-wheat tuna w/ celery sandwiches (minimal mayonaise). Without even thinking I go for the whole wheat (healthy), tuna (low cal, protien) and celery (no cal). I get a nanimo bar to share with a friend.
When I was done, I felt sick and guilty - but I didn't purge. Felt like it, but didn't. Drank lots of water. I've been doing good with exercising. Speaking of which, its almost sundown - I should go for a walk.
I'm so looking forward to FRUIT and FRESH VEGGIES and low-fat yogurt in Jamaica. Countless pool hours/ ocean hours. 1hr in the ocean = about 360 cals. Crazy, right? I'm so excited. I plan to not be selfconcious because I know I'm losing as I go. I think that's why logic is winning - because there is a plan for a fast. :D
Can't wait to get away, for this exam to be over so that I can put this crap shoot semester behind me and start one that WILL be amazing, albeit hard and tedious. But I have plans. It'll work, I know it.
I'm going to disappear from everyone's lives, from this drama, from this city, from this room, from this blog for 6 days. I love it because it's opportunity.
I just can't figure out where to hid my pills when we go. I'm not going to stop taking them... even though they can't be working. Energy, right? Lipo6 is what they're called. I can take up to 3 a day, but logic only allows 2. They do give energy, though I think they're messing with my sleep.
Ohwell. Off to play on tetris and study bio. STUDY. I'll go for a walk when it's dark, that way it's cold. Burns more.
It's sad to think my life is this obsession now. It's replaced him. I'm perfectly fine, infact I am proud of it. I have something to focus on now.
Devan knows, as does Oce. During times when I'm freaking out, logic makes a move so people realise. It's annoying, but I know how to watch myself. It'll be fine.
I know just what to say.
I'm an excellent liar.
If I stay a good friend, a good student, someone who is involved and helps everyone... I should be able to do something for myself, right? This is it. Thin, healthy. That's what I want. Only 7 pounds to go.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Calorie Purge
I ate chocolate pie because tomorrow would be a new day, why not further fail?
So far I have burned approx 650 cals from measured exercise (1 hr brisk walking, 45mins skating, 30mins cleaning). That's breakfast, veggies, peanut butter, and most of the soup. All thats left is the pie, the chocolate chips and banana. I'm okay with that :D
Things are looking up.
I plan to walk another 30 mins and then listen to a 30 min episode of something, probably project runway or antm and do some crunches. That should maybe even rid myself of the chocolate chips.
FEELS GREAT.
Tomorrow we start anew.
So far I have burned approx 650 cals from measured exercise (1 hr brisk walking, 45mins skating, 30mins cleaning). That's breakfast, veggies, peanut butter, and most of the soup. All thats left is the pie, the chocolate chips and banana. I'm okay with that :D
Things are looking up.
I plan to walk another 30 mins and then listen to a 30 min episode of something, probably project runway or antm and do some crunches. That should maybe even rid myself of the chocolate chips.
FEELS GREAT.
Tomorrow we start anew.
Guilt
I ate about 650 calories yesterday. Walked for an hour, plus some squats and lunges. Brought it down to about 400. Felt amazing. Felt like... like it was real. Like I could do this. I could STILL eat. I wasn't hungry. I could still eat, and talk and be normal - and be worth it...
I binged today. Peanut butter, soup, chocolate... It started off good - two low-fat pancakes+ 40cals of yogurt, then for lunch two celery sticks and 1/4 cucumber... I don't know what happened then... I lost it. I needed something to hit my stomach, so I made soup and ate the entire thing - at least 200 cals of peanut butter, tbsp of chocolate chips... UGH. I feel awful, and I just want that feeling from yesterday back... I walked for an hour, been down squats, plan to do some push-ups and jumping jacks. The minute I was done, I cried and went on facebook... and looked at the most popular people I have as friends. They are my thinspo, because they are worth.
I feel everything else slipping. I need control. I will have control. Right now. I have two huge projects to do. This next semester will be different. Things WILL get done. I WILL study... at the gym I can do it. I CAN.
Right now... right now I feel like I need something. I've been waiting for someone to be that something, to make me feel better about everything, about myself, about life. There never was. Now, I realise that I'm an idiot. There will never be someone for me. I'm okay with that. I'll flirt, and if someone comes along... fine. But first, I need to feel better about everything, about myself, about life. I can make it better.
I can't wait to get to Jamaica. Fruit, veggies, water and the occasional fish. Constant swimming, running, hiking. No one to watch or know what I am eating. It doesn't matter there. 6 days to cleanse and restart and set the tone. I'm not worried about wearing a bathing suit - I'm excited because it's more proof. Motivation.
The idea of not having to eat, and being able to exercise constantly without question is very exciting. Very, very, very exciting.
Reading this... I realise I CAN do this. I will control it. And things will get better. Simple as that.
One of the sites recommended keeping track of binge/purging/dieting triggers...
Binging:
-Parents giving disapproving looks
-Failure
-Optimism
Fasting:
-Legs/Thighs
-THIN documentaries/interventions
-Control
-Failure
This is what I want:
I binged today. Peanut butter, soup, chocolate... It started off good - two low-fat pancakes+ 40cals of yogurt, then for lunch two celery sticks and 1/4 cucumber... I don't know what happened then... I lost it. I needed something to hit my stomach, so I made soup and ate the entire thing - at least 200 cals of peanut butter, tbsp of chocolate chips... UGH. I feel awful, and I just want that feeling from yesterday back... I walked for an hour, been down squats, plan to do some push-ups and jumping jacks. The minute I was done, I cried and went on facebook... and looked at the most popular people I have as friends. They are my thinspo, because they are worth.
I feel everything else slipping. I need control. I will have control. Right now. I have two huge projects to do. This next semester will be different. Things WILL get done. I WILL study... at the gym I can do it. I CAN.
Right now... right now I feel like I need something. I've been waiting for someone to be that something, to make me feel better about everything, about myself, about life. There never was. Now, I realise that I'm an idiot. There will never be someone for me. I'm okay with that. I'll flirt, and if someone comes along... fine. But first, I need to feel better about everything, about myself, about life. I can make it better.
I can't wait to get to Jamaica. Fruit, veggies, water and the occasional fish. Constant swimming, running, hiking. No one to watch or know what I am eating. It doesn't matter there. 6 days to cleanse and restart and set the tone. I'm not worried about wearing a bathing suit - I'm excited because it's more proof. Motivation.
The idea of not having to eat, and being able to exercise constantly without question is very exciting. Very, very, very exciting.
Reading this... I realise I CAN do this. I will control it. And things will get better. Simple as that.
One of the sites recommended keeping track of binge/purging/dieting triggers...
Binging:
-Parents giving disapproving looks
-Failure
-Optimism
Fasting:
-Legs/Thighs
-THIN documentaries/interventions
-Control
-Failure
This is what I want:
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Oh my god...
I don't even fucking know what I'm doing anymore. My family, my grades, my friends, my sanity is falling apart and... things pop up in my head that make no sense and I don't know how they got there. They called me 'robot' today and I flipped shit. Is it because I was so close to typing, "robots don't bleed, wanna see my fucking scars?". Was it because I was so close to telling them... robots don't starve. Robots don't cry - I'm crying now.
I'm lying to EVERYONE and I feel like... a failure. I can't trust anyone, yet everyone trusts me.
Had a long talk with Dad tonight. Cried. It means I failed. Fuck, why can't I ever SUCCEED? I can't fight myself, I'm not fucking strong enough. My mind is constantly flipping - logic and pain. I can't even succeed as a friend - I'm being fucking hypocritical.
I almost purged today, I was standing over the bowl...
I am worthless. How do I know? What am I worth to anyone, to myself? NOTHING. Fucking hell, I'm not important at ALL to this musical (where all my friends are), my other friends survived, hell they got tighter while I wasn't there. No one needs me any more. No one cares. Why should they? Fat, average-grade person who can't even stand up to HERSELF.
I ate SO MUCH TODAY. I've always been a fucking fat kid and I'm SICK OF IT. EVERY POUND BRINGS ME DOWN. What do I say? Nothing too much is wrong, just I'm a failure to myself, everyone around me and the world? Wow, sounds fantastic, I look forward to that conversation.
I have no connection. No one fucking knows me. No one knows how close I've been or why I got there. I can't handle it. I'm WEAK. I need to be strong. Somehow I need to be... someone who is needed. So, I'll keep doing what I'm doing because being thin... hell, I know, even now, I know I'm not overweight. I know that. But I also know I'm not pretty. Or experianced. Or a big party person. Or blonde. Or that boys don't like me. Or that intelligent. Or creative. I am nothing and I need to be worth something.
I can't be pretty, but I can be thin.
I care only about what other people think of how I think of myself. And yet I can't bring myself to tell them. They don't know. I can't do this to them. I CAN'T fucking end up in hospital, or in clinic or on drugs or some fucking shit. I can't do that to them.
The sad thing is... when it gets bad... that's what I want.
My greatest wish is to get hit by a car... diagnosised with something... just to see how many people would come... how many people would miss me. Sounds selfish. It is and I fucking hate that. I'm so selfish.
I can't... We're going to a beach thing for this trip. I don't know how I'll hid the scars or the bones. I'm scared someone will find out and make me stop because it isn't about being worth something to myself, or about being thin and fitting in... it's all I have. I don't have...anything else other than work.
WORK MAKES ME A ROBOT.
I don't know how much I ate today. I am disgusted.
He called me a pill popper. He has no idea how true it is.
I don't want to die. But I don't want to stop. And, right now, the other mind is getting strong.
THIS IS DUMB. THIS IS STUPID. THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE. HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO THEM?!
THIS FEELS RIGHT. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU WILL BE LOVED. HOW CAN'T YOU DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.
I'm lying to EVERYONE and I feel like... a failure. I can't trust anyone, yet everyone trusts me.
Had a long talk with Dad tonight. Cried. It means I failed. Fuck, why can't I ever SUCCEED? I can't fight myself, I'm not fucking strong enough. My mind is constantly flipping - logic and pain. I can't even succeed as a friend - I'm being fucking hypocritical.
I almost purged today, I was standing over the bowl...
I am worthless. How do I know? What am I worth to anyone, to myself? NOTHING. Fucking hell, I'm not important at ALL to this musical (where all my friends are), my other friends survived, hell they got tighter while I wasn't there. No one needs me any more. No one cares. Why should they? Fat, average-grade person who can't even stand up to HERSELF.
I ate SO MUCH TODAY. I've always been a fucking fat kid and I'm SICK OF IT. EVERY POUND BRINGS ME DOWN. What do I say? Nothing too much is wrong, just I'm a failure to myself, everyone around me and the world? Wow, sounds fantastic, I look forward to that conversation.
I have no connection. No one fucking knows me. No one knows how close I've been or why I got there. I can't handle it. I'm WEAK. I need to be strong. Somehow I need to be... someone who is needed. So, I'll keep doing what I'm doing because being thin... hell, I know, even now, I know I'm not overweight. I know that. But I also know I'm not pretty. Or experianced. Or a big party person. Or blonde. Or that boys don't like me. Or that intelligent. Or creative. I am nothing and I need to be worth something.
I can't be pretty, but I can be thin.
I care only about what other people think of how I think of myself. And yet I can't bring myself to tell them. They don't know. I can't do this to them. I CAN'T fucking end up in hospital, or in clinic or on drugs or some fucking shit. I can't do that to them.
The sad thing is... when it gets bad... that's what I want.
My greatest wish is to get hit by a car... diagnosised with something... just to see how many people would come... how many people would miss me. Sounds selfish. It is and I fucking hate that. I'm so selfish.
I can't... We're going to a beach thing for this trip. I don't know how I'll hid the scars or the bones. I'm scared someone will find out and make me stop because it isn't about being worth something to myself, or about being thin and fitting in... it's all I have. I don't have...anything else other than work.
WORK MAKES ME A ROBOT.
I don't know how much I ate today. I am disgusted.
He called me a pill popper. He has no idea how true it is.
I don't want to die. But I don't want to stop. And, right now, the other mind is getting strong.
THIS IS DUMB. THIS IS STUPID. THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE. HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO THEM?!
THIS FEELS RIGHT. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. YOU WILL BE LOVED. HOW CAN'T YOU DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Worth
That's what this is about. I've figured it out. Beyond the selfishness, beyond the acceptance... I need to be worth something to MYSELF.
Every pound of fat, every roll brings that down.
I have this.
I can feel the mind... no it has formed. I just carved FAT into my thigh. I am happy, for the first time today. It feels better.
And that's so wrong.
Every pound of fat, every roll brings that down.
I have this.
I can feel the mind... no it has formed. I just carved FAT into my thigh. I am happy, for the first time today. It feels better.
And that's so wrong.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Failure
Logic won today, but not tomorrow. it doesn't have to. I don't like tea. I'll bring water. I don't feel well, getting sick. Drink water.
I'm talking to him about it. And I'm lying, kindof. I'm not anorexic, I don't have an eating disorder. I restrict, but I'm not letting that restrict me. I am strong.
My measurements (this is so hard because I feel like... I'm trying to prove something to myself or something... fucking I can't even get together a sentence. I am downloading Courage and Sophie. And some Thinspo and couples. Just remember what you're working for. I'm also taking a peice of ribbon and wrapping it around my thigh, tying it, then sticking it in my purse. That way I always remember what I am now.
Speaking of which.
Height: 5'9" and a bit
Weight: 133 ilbs
Goal: 125 ilbs
Just five pounds. That's it. Toning of the thighs and arms... it'll be perfect.
He's worried about that person. Ana. I can't be with him , cause he'll find out I lied. And that hurts.
I'm talking to him about it. And I'm lying, kindof. I'm not anorexic, I don't have an eating disorder. I restrict, but I'm not letting that restrict me. I am strong.
My measurements (this is so hard because I feel like... I'm trying to prove something to myself or something... fucking I can't even get together a sentence. I am downloading Courage and Sophie. And some Thinspo and couples. Just remember what you're working for. I'm also taking a peice of ribbon and wrapping it around my thigh, tying it, then sticking it in my purse. That way I always remember what I am now.
Speaking of which.
Height: 5'9" and a bit
Weight: 133 ilbs
Goal: 125 ilbs
Just five pounds. That's it. Toning of the thighs and arms... it'll be perfect.
He's worried about that person. Ana. I can't be with him , cause he'll find out I lied. And that hurts.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Thin
Never have been good at commitments, Sophie.
Maybe this will be different.
I've been fighting it, my logical mind has been fighting the mindset. The stupid, every girl, damaging, idiotic, media mindset! Fuck, I cant believe this is where I am now. I told myself I'd never be that girl. I'd never loose my belief in myself.
I gained 2 pounds in the first week of Christmas break.
It was the straw, that and Morgan, that broke the camels back.
I've been restricting.
Looking up tips.
Going to the gym.
Watching videos.
Listening to music.
Searching for thinspiration.
I'm actually ashamed.
I can feel the formation of that second mind, the angry, perfectionist. Just another pound. That's all. Maybe someone will find you attractive. Maybe someone will ask you out. Not yet? Maybe after the next pound. I can FEEL it happening.
I WON'T allow myself to get that far, I have enough control. Just... a little bit.
I've always been a people pleaser. What I want is what they want. No one has ever wanted me. Ever. I've always been... overweight or average. No boobs. Huge ass. Huge legs. Coincidence? No. Connection.
I've been telling people my new years resolutions. Here, I will set them down truthfully.
# MORE: Focus on grades, clubs and events, distractions, partying, excersise
# LESS: Stressing, shyness, fat, eating
# WANTS: Get a boyfriend (seriously), reach goal weight of 120ilbs, ace classes
# LOOKS FORWARD TO: Results, 17th
# DOESN'T WANT: Stress, lies, worry
It hurts to actually look at myself, realise why it is that I've always been a social outcast. Because I've defied it. I've defied beauty and fun. Denied. I can do both. I know I can. I can keep myself, but still fit in with the rest...
This is what I want. I'm taking measurements tomorrow. We'll see.
This is so wrong.
But I don't care.
Because no one else does.
I just want to be like all the other girls! That's fucking all.
I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.
Maybe this will be different.
I've been fighting it, my logical mind has been fighting the mindset. The stupid, every girl, damaging, idiotic, media mindset! Fuck, I cant believe this is where I am now. I told myself I'd never be that girl. I'd never loose my belief in myself.
I gained 2 pounds in the first week of Christmas break.
It was the straw, that and Morgan, that broke the camels back.
I've been restricting.
Looking up tips.
Going to the gym.
Watching videos.
Listening to music.
Searching for thinspiration.
I'm actually ashamed.
I can feel the formation of that second mind, the angry, perfectionist. Just another pound. That's all. Maybe someone will find you attractive. Maybe someone will ask you out. Not yet? Maybe after the next pound. I can FEEL it happening.
I WON'T allow myself to get that far, I have enough control. Just... a little bit.
I've always been a people pleaser. What I want is what they want. No one has ever wanted me. Ever. I've always been... overweight or average. No boobs. Huge ass. Huge legs. Coincidence? No. Connection.
I've been telling people my new years resolutions. Here, I will set them down truthfully.
# MORE: Focus on grades, clubs and events, distractions, partying, excersise
# LESS: Stressing, shyness, fat, eating
# WANTS: Get a boyfriend (seriously), reach goal weight of 120ilbs, ace classes
# LOOKS FORWARD TO: Results, 17th
# DOESN'T WANT: Stress, lies, worry
It hurts to actually look at myself, realise why it is that I've always been a social outcast. Because I've defied it. I've defied beauty and fun. Denied. I can do both. I know I can. I can keep myself, but still fit in with the rest...
This is what I want. I'm taking measurements tomorrow. We'll see.
This is so wrong.
But I don't care.
Because no one else does.
I just want to be like all the other girls! That's fucking all.
I'M SORRY. I'M SO SORRY.
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