Something clicks.

Skiing today was... brilliant. I've realized how much I have changed in a year, the quiet and speed allowed me to reflect. A true cleanser. I thought:

This last week, I tried to let go and basically just be normal. Eat semi-normally; very healthy. I ended up losing control... a lot. Nearly 3 times a day I would go for an apple, and stay in the kitchen for a longtime just eating whatever I could nuke/ eat easily. At first, I thought it was just my body moving on it's own, but now I've realized it's more of my mind; the logical side lost control too.

I need to regain control of my eating/exercising. I need to find a balance. So, I have decided - in a logic, non-weight loss centered mindset - to do a 3 day water fast starting not tomorrow, but Tuesday-Thursday. I need to again experience, reteach my mind control, then ease into controlled eating. Not restricting, but eating when I'm hungry. And eating healthy. I am easing myself into the fast tomorrow by eating a hearty breakfast, but then tapering off - a small spinach pita and apple for lunch, a little soup early evening.

I just need to control it again. Commit and then focus on other things; school, a job, friends, meetings, other commitments. I have to stop thinking about food. I have to.

NO I am not happy with how I look.
NO I haven't changed my view; I am still worthless.
BUT I'm more worthless out of control.

This week, I've felt no happiness from the food and I can't remember what this joy of emptyness was.

SO; no more talking about food/fasts/weight here. No more. Time to talk about more important things in life. Starting tomorrow, going all week. Time to turn this around, girl.

And then I got to the bottom of the hill.

Binge

This week I have been having a good attitude; health. I have been eating... but badly. Not unhealthily (until tonight) but in binge sessions. The moment I start eating, I can't stop. I literally have to leave the house to stop eating.

Tonight, brother had a party and there was shit everywhere. I resisted until midgnight and am now late-night binging on dips, chips, chocolate, Oreos, nuts, chicken... and apples and pears. Oh dear. This is bad.

I am so messed. I do have an eating disorder... I have addmited. I starved, went bad for 3 months, let those thoughts prevail and now I am fighting it... trying to eat a little and binging horribly. My parents are noticing. I'm protective about food. I constantly think about it. Constantly.

This is hell. I need help.

Know what is it, the factor? My period. I am having it again after only 2 weeks...

I need to get better.

But I still don't want the weight.

I'm going to the gym tomorrow. For as long as I have to. Skiing on Sunday. I have to... get better. But, why can't I be better at my weight now? Its only 5 pounds less! ONLY 5 POUNDS and my body freaks out.

FUCK.

I did take out my braids tonight... and I look effing sexy with my hair all kinky. I think that's part of the binge too (I'm still eating... chocolate). I felt great and sexy all day. People told me I was hot. I came home and entertained my brothers horny little friends. Took my braids out and into the hairstyle I know is fucking sexy.

Damnit. Balance? NO.

I want to fast tomorrow, but I'm not sure... we'll see.

Success?

It is 7pm, which is my intake cutoff.

It was my first fast today... well, I sort-of cheated, I had a carrot and 1/3 of an apple. But, I also exercised, so those calories are gone anyways. I feel great.

I know I have to eat something tomorrow.

I was thinking today, "This is so dumb, I need to start eating like a normal person." And I was amazed by the lack of angry, ana response. My heart didn't race. My mind didn't start yelling. I do need to start eating like a normal person.

That's how I feel right now.

Tomorrow, I want to eat like a semi-normal person. I need to stop this, because I can lose fat without not eating. I need muscle and definition.

When you re-read this tomorrow, babe, or when you feel bad... Just stop and think. Muscle vs bone. Exercise and eat right, but still eat. Food is something you need. Healthy is what matters. When you're dead, you're not worth anything either. Strength.

Crushed under the wheel...

A classmate died of cancer today. I just... does it make me want to live? What does it make me think of?

Pain.

I feel numb, unable to process it. She dies... she doesn't need to die, she didn't... people with cancer don't choose it. Her I am being a selfish bitch, trying to starve myself into... into being something that I don't even know how to describe. I don't know why I'm doing this, I really don't. It's slow-painful suicide, and I know that. I know it. I could... I am choosing death. I am. And she... she didn't want death. She just wanted to live as long as could.

I'm fucking worthless, such a fucking bitch. I don't know what I'm going to do.

_____

I'm done with the depression. I just have to admit that this is what I am doing. And if I'm doing it, hell, I'd better be happy about it.
I'm even trying to convince myself. And its not working at all.
Avoided a sugar-laden, fat-party with icecream/cake tonight... half because I didn't want to go and half to avoid the calories. Its sad, but at the same time not. I have been debating all day on whether or not to keep fasting (save for a few strawberries/ tbsps of rice). It's Valentines Day.
One part of me is going, "You might as well eat a little something, restrict again tomorrow when you're out, and full-blown fast on Monday."
Another part is saying, "EAT YOU DUMB SHIT."
Another part is saying, "Aren't you fat enough already? You don't need to eat. Drink tea, do your homework, watch a movie. Hell, go for a walk. Your hour at the gym wasn't good enough. What a failure."

Right now, I'm listening to voice 3. I want #1. And... I wish... I wish I could be #2.

I'm... losing control? Is it control not to eat, or control of it to eat? I can't get it right either way. I'm such an idiot. I'm fucking WORTHLESS.

Oh, yeah. After all this. ALL THIS SINCE I FUCKING STARTED... 2ilbs lost. Nothing. NOTHING.

I HATE that this is making me cry. What does it mean?! I want to waste away. So that I don't have to feel this.

At the mall on Thursday I fit into an XXS sized dress. I was happy, and it gave me confidence. Now....I feel like a whale. Everyday it gets worse.

They're ordering pizza. PIZZA for dinner. Better than what they had last night. I'm scared they're noticing. I don't want them to stop. I don't want to stop. I wish I could though.

This makes no sense anymore. I just want to sleep it away. Go back to my dream land.

Wordless

I'm in a numb, gray, lukewarm state. I don't... know.
I want it off. I don't know why. I just... need it off.
But I love food. And I hate the depression, and how much it...takes me.
I don't know what to say.

Bad Day?

I had a I-don't-really-care day. Ate a lot, but at the same time, abstained from brownies / cupcakes that were offered, so small victory? Ate some deserts though. So, I'm not happy about that. But I had a good day. Apparently, not eating makes me depressed. Wonder why D=

I have a dark chocolate in my bag and I am going to eat it.

Tomorrow, I'm limiting again to fruit/veggies and some wheat. Yogurt too. It's okay.