Everything is piling up. Every failure. Every imperfection. Every issue. Every conflict. Every inability. I'm so touchy - I was hungry today, extremely hungry and I compulsively grabbed a piece of FATTY CHEESE SMOKIE and just downed it and just started crying... I really hate myself tonight. I hate that I don't know, I hate that I can't focus, I hate that I'm not motivated, I hate that I don't have anyone to talk to. I haven't felt this suicidal in a long time.

Who would even notice if I was gone?

This is how it feels to want something so bad, but knowing you can never reach it. Knowing... no matter how hard you try, how hard you wish for it, you will never ever ever reach it. To not understand. To not... be who everyone expect you to be - and to lie to maintain that.

I feel like a bomb, and my fuse is running short. I'm ashamed that I lie, that I am a hypocrite. I'm ashamed at my habits. But I can't stop. I can't force myself either way.

I'm torn. Constantly. Tests get back, they're never good enough. I get a compliment, it's always a lie. Someone corrects me, I'm the largest idoit. I eat, I am guilty. NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH. Nothing makes me happy.

I'll tell you what I want to do right now.

I want to cut.

I want to see blood. and feel release. No one would ever know.

Again

Its coming close. 17 days. I've gone so far off, it's not even funny. I really... I want it still. Everyday. I hate myself for failing at the goal, one after another I am failing.

But I'm optimistic. Something is clicking and I need to figure this out.