Everything is piling up. Every failure. Every imperfection. Every issue. Every conflict. Every inability. I'm so touchy - I was hungry today, extremely hungry and I compulsively grabbed a piece of FATTY CHEESE SMOKIE and just downed it and just started crying... I really hate myself tonight. I hate that I don't know, I hate that I can't focus, I hate that I'm not motivated, I hate that I don't have anyone to talk to. I haven't felt this suicidal in a long time.
Who would even notice if I was gone?
This is how it feels to want something so bad, but knowing you can never reach it. Knowing... no matter how hard you try, how hard you wish for it, you will never ever ever reach it. To not understand. To not... be who everyone expect you to be - and to lie to maintain that.
I feel like a bomb, and my fuse is running short. I'm ashamed that I lie, that I am a hypocrite. I'm ashamed at my habits. But I can't stop. I can't force myself either way.
I'm torn. Constantly. Tests get back, they're never good enough. I get a compliment, it's always a lie. Someone corrects me, I'm the largest idoit. I eat, I am guilty. NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH. Nothing makes me happy.
I'll tell you what I want to do right now.
I want to cut.
I want to see blood. and feel release. No one would ever know.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Again
Its coming close. 17 days. I've gone so far off, it's not even funny. I really... I want it still. Everyday. I hate myself for failing at the goal, one after another I am failing.
But I'm optimistic. Something is clicking and I need to figure this out.
But I'm optimistic. Something is clicking and I need to figure this out.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Bloated
It's really bad.
I lost 10 ilbs in a week.
50hours of famine.
Gaining it back.
Don't want it.
I can't focus on anything right now.
Ate so freaking much, uncomfortable.
I really want to throw up.
I lost 10 ilbs in a week.
50hours of famine.
Gaining it back.
Don't want it.
I can't focus on anything right now.
Ate so freaking much, uncomfortable.
I really want to throw up.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
New Goals
So don't care anymore.
By my 17th. Six weeks exactly from now, I will lose 10 pounds.
Current weight: 145
Goal: 135
Do-able. Healthy. We're good.
By my 17th. Six weeks exactly from now, I will lose 10 pounds.
Current weight: 145
Goal: 135
Do-able. Healthy. We're good.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Long time
A month has gone by. I never came back because of the promise I made to get better. I didn't keep it; so I feel like even more of a failure. A failure to myself.
I'm... I actually was very very depressed. I had a breakdown 4 weeks ago. Very very bad. I just lost it. It was a combination of stuff -I don't even want to recount it. Then, something happened - I just turned. I was, well not happy, but not depressed. I found myself waking up smiling. Being energetic. Creative. Laughing with friends. Eating better. The last two weeks have been... blissful.
Save for eating. Healthy is one thing, binging... control... is another. I still can't control how much I eat. I still hate my body. I don't hate myself, my personality, but I still hate that I can't be that person. I've returned to my normal weight... and it's sad in several ways to think that a month or so ago I weighed 10 pounds less - of fat. That's another thing, I remember even when I was 130 I could grab fat. Fat that is now gone because I've been working out. I feel the back of my legs and underneath the fat I feel muscle, instead of more fat... it's probably the only thing that is keeping me up.
I look at myself rarely now. I weigh myself rarely. But when I do, I get so momentarily depressed. I hate how I look, I hate my body. I hate that I can't wear clothes without a roll of fat showing. I hate that all the other girls can eat whatever they want and be thin and happy.
I went to a party Friday. Had fun. I was happy - excited - a sliver of who I wish I was all the time. These two girls - both gorgeous, it-girls of their cliques with boyfriends, told me I was gorgeous. Sincerely. Talked about how I should model. I didn't know them. That... two things happened in my head 1) Don't lie to me, are you delusional? ....2) thank you, you have no idea what it means to me.
How do I respond to a compliment when I don't believe it? When, to my core, my only personal vice and problem, is that to which you are complimenting?
I have such a problem with lying to people like this - hysterical, because I lie to people all the time. I just wish I didn't have to smile and thank them. That I could just nod and say You don't need to say that.
It's been almost exactly a month since I stopped being an idiot and starving myself.Probably another thing... it's cyclic. I want to tell him so bad. I want to tell someone that I see every day - that doesn't judge - that could sense a bad day and make sure I don't fall off... because I feel like I'm going to lapse again. I hear the voice... for the first time in a month I heard the -you're hungry, but you don't need to eat-. It scared me. I do and don't want that again. It was hell. But I felt liberated, I think. I hated it. But I hate this too. There is just as much hate, just as much pain.
I find myself looking forward to the 30hr famine... not because it's a great charity - a great cause, but because I will have an excuse to fast for two days. I could "get on track" again.
Shit no, why don't I have the strength to find balance? I AM strong. I am smart. Why can't I be... I don't even know. I don't know what I want.
I'm... I actually was very very depressed. I had a breakdown 4 weeks ago. Very very bad. I just lost it. It was a combination of stuff -I don't even want to recount it. Then, something happened - I just turned. I was, well not happy, but not depressed. I found myself waking up smiling. Being energetic. Creative. Laughing with friends. Eating better. The last two weeks have been... blissful.
Save for eating. Healthy is one thing, binging... control... is another. I still can't control how much I eat. I still hate my body. I don't hate myself, my personality, but I still hate that I can't be that person. I've returned to my normal weight... and it's sad in several ways to think that a month or so ago I weighed 10 pounds less - of fat. That's another thing, I remember even when I was 130 I could grab fat. Fat that is now gone because I've been working out. I feel the back of my legs and underneath the fat I feel muscle, instead of more fat... it's probably the only thing that is keeping me up.
I look at myself rarely now. I weigh myself rarely. But when I do, I get so momentarily depressed. I hate how I look, I hate my body. I hate that I can't wear clothes without a roll of fat showing. I hate that all the other girls can eat whatever they want and be thin and happy.
I went to a party Friday. Had fun. I was happy - excited - a sliver of who I wish I was all the time. These two girls - both gorgeous, it-girls of their cliques with boyfriends, told me I was gorgeous. Sincerely. Talked about how I should model. I didn't know them. That... two things happened in my head 1) Don't lie to me, are you delusional? ....2) thank you, you have no idea what it means to me.
How do I respond to a compliment when I don't believe it? When, to my core, my only personal vice and problem, is that to which you are complimenting?
I have such a problem with lying to people like this - hysterical, because I lie to people all the time. I just wish I didn't have to smile and thank them. That I could just nod and say You don't need to say that.
It's been almost exactly a month since I stopped being an idiot and starving myself.Probably another thing... it's cyclic. I want to tell him so bad. I want to tell someone that I see every day - that doesn't judge - that could sense a bad day and make sure I don't fall off... because I feel like I'm going to lapse again. I hear the voice... for the first time in a month I heard the -you're hungry, but you don't need to eat-. It scared me. I do and don't want that again. It was hell. But I felt liberated, I think. I hated it. But I hate this too. There is just as much hate, just as much pain.
I find myself looking forward to the 30hr famine... not because it's a great charity - a great cause, but because I will have an excuse to fast for two days. I could "get on track" again.
Shit no, why don't I have the strength to find balance? I AM strong. I am smart. Why can't I be... I don't even know. I don't know what I want.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Something clicks.
Skiing today was... brilliant. I've realized how much I have changed in a year, the quiet and speed allowed me to reflect. A true cleanser. I thought:
This last week, I tried to let go and basically just be normal. Eat semi-normally; very healthy. I ended up losing control... a lot. Nearly 3 times a day I would go for an apple, and stay in the kitchen for a longtime just eating whatever I could nuke/ eat easily. At first, I thought it was just my body moving on it's own, but now I've realized it's more of my mind; the logical side lost control too.
I need to regain control of my eating/exercising. I need to find a balance. So, I have decided - in a logic, non-weight loss centered mindset - to do a 3 day water fast starting not tomorrow, but Tuesday-Thursday. I need to again experience, reteach my mind control, then ease into controlled eating. Not restricting, but eating when I'm hungry. And eating healthy. I am easing myself into the fast tomorrow by eating a hearty breakfast, but then tapering off - a small spinach pita and apple for lunch, a little soup early evening.
I just need to control it again. Commit and then focus on other things; school, a job, friends, meetings, other commitments. I have to stop thinking about food. I have to.
NO I am not happy with how I look.
NO I haven't changed my view; I am still worthless.
BUT I'm more worthless out of control.
This week, I've felt no happiness from the food and I can't remember what this joy of emptyness was.
SO; no more talking about food/fasts/weight here. No more. Time to talk about more important things in life. Starting tomorrow, going all week. Time to turn this around, girl.
And then I got to the bottom of the hill.
This last week, I tried to let go and basically just be normal. Eat semi-normally; very healthy. I ended up losing control... a lot. Nearly 3 times a day I would go for an apple, and stay in the kitchen for a longtime just eating whatever I could nuke/ eat easily. At first, I thought it was just my body moving on it's own, but now I've realized it's more of my mind; the logical side lost control too.
I need to regain control of my eating/exercising. I need to find a balance. So, I have decided - in a logic, non-weight loss centered mindset - to do a 3 day water fast starting not tomorrow, but Tuesday-Thursday. I need to again experience, reteach my mind control, then ease into controlled eating. Not restricting, but eating when I'm hungry. And eating healthy. I am easing myself into the fast tomorrow by eating a hearty breakfast, but then tapering off - a small spinach pita and apple for lunch, a little soup early evening.
I just need to control it again. Commit and then focus on other things; school, a job, friends, meetings, other commitments. I have to stop thinking about food. I have to.
NO I am not happy with how I look.
NO I haven't changed my view; I am still worthless.
BUT I'm more worthless out of control.
This week, I've felt no happiness from the food and I can't remember what this joy of emptyness was.
SO; no more talking about food/fasts/weight here. No more. Time to talk about more important things in life. Starting tomorrow, going all week. Time to turn this around, girl.
And then I got to the bottom of the hill.
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